


Quicken to the New Life, Take My Hand

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: And support each other, Aromantic Jake English, Awkward Flirting, BAMF Jade Harley, BAMF Kanaya Maryam, Depressed John Egbert, Earth C (Homestuck), Everyone Is Gay, Existentialism, F/F, Found Family, He's working on it though!, I'm right, Karkat Is a Good Dad, Kid Fic, M/M, Nonbinary Calliope, Nonbinary Roxy Lalonde, Not Epilogue Compliant, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, all the beta kids get along, and are friends, and you know what?, because i've decided that every single homestuck character is a gay disaster, classpect gobbledygook, except also reincarnation fic, strap in cause you're in for a wild ride, we are starting VERY SMALL but this is gonna get bigger and bigger
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:02:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28818216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Fact 1: All the trolls who played the game are either dead, in a different universe, or dead in a different universe.Fact 2: All the trolls who played the game are alive and in this universe.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Jade Harley/Nepeta Leijon, Jake English/Dirk Strider (background), Meenah Peixes & Karkat Vantas, Nepeta Leijon & Equius Zahhak, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 36
Kudos: 56





	1. I'll Be Back Again Before It's Time for Sunny Down

Three blades are pressed to Rose's throat. Interesting. She idly ponders how best to settle this quietly.

The troll currently threatening her hisses in Rose's ear.

NEPETA: :33 < im going to need you to come with me

Rose recognizes that voice. She risks a backwards glance, and her suspicions are confirmed. It looks like... N-something... Nepeta, one of Karkat and Kanaya's friends that they tended to run into often in the dream bubbles. But how did she get here, in the middle of an Earth C riot?

She's dragged away from her vantage point on the riot, into a dark alleyway. Cliché much?

Still, Rose complies, if only because she needs to find out what's going on.

NEPETA: :33 < bring your friends too  
NEPETA: :33 < we want the whole quartet

Only four? Well, Rose can't disappoint.

tentacleTherapist [TT]  started pestering  ectoBiologist [EB], gardenGnostic [GG], and turntechGodhead [TG]  
TT: I need you three to walk to my location.  
tentacleTherapist sent a location file!

Nepeta is reading over Rose's shoulder, which makes it fortunate that she is using code.

NEPETA: :33 < acceptable  
ROSE: Imagine my relief.

Nepeta lets Rose go from her hold, but keeps the Wolverine claws out, presumably as a threat.

Rose leans against the alley wall, examining her nails nonchalantly. Nepeta fidgets awkwardly, and seems visibly relieved when John, Dave, and Jade show up.

ROSE: Ah, there you all are.  
ROSE: Please comply fully.

Jade starts growling.

Nepeta makes a subtle motion, and Jade is suddenly being restrained by a tall, sweaty troll.

EQUIUS: D --> Sorry about this  
JADE: GROSS!  
EQUIUS: D --> Is it the sweat  
JADE: YES  
EQUIUS: D --> I can't really help the sweat  
JADE: YOU CAN LET ME GO!  
EQUIUS: D --> If I let you go will you pretend that I am restraining you  
JADE: WHAT THE FUCK! NO!  
EQUIUS: D --> Oh  
EQUIUS: D --> Then I'm afraid I can't  
JADE: FINE ILL PRETEND JUST GET YOUR ICKY HANDS OFF ME!

Equius lets her go. Everyone shuffles around, mortified by the display.

Nepeta turns to Rose.

NEPETA: :33 < would you mind pretending like im restraining you?  
ROSE: I'm flattered that you see me as such a threat.  
NEPETA: :33 < um  
ROSE: It would be my pleasure.  
NEPETA: :33 < sollicks wasnt kidding when he said you guys were weird!  
EQUIUS: D --> Nepeta  
NEPETA: :33 < oops, i mean sollux! h33h33

Jade and Rose share a look.

JADE: (these jokers arent a threat to anyone!)  
ROSE: (Yes, they seem to be pretty bad criminals.)  
ROSE: (All the more reason to trust me in letting them 'kidnap' us, I hope?)  
JADE: (hmmmmmm)  
JADE: (ill trust you! you havent gotten me killed, even once)  
ROSE: (Perhaps it's a sign we don't spend enough time with each other.)

Nepeta clears her throat.

NEPETA: :33 < please no talking to each other, i dont want to gag you  
NEPETA: :33 < equius, blindfolds!

Rose can still see through the blindfold, of course, but where would be the fun if she told them that?

They're led through the alley to a back door that opens into a dark, quiet house. There's something oddly familiar about the décor, but before Rose can place it, they're shoved into a pitch-black basement. Everyone's blindfolds are removed, not that it does anything. Jade's eyes glint in the darkness.

SOLLUX: why are these pe0ple here?  
SOLLUX: i'm n0t g0ing t0 tattle 0r anything, i just want t0 kn0w.  
NEPETA: :33 < dont you recognise them?  
SOLLUX: 0h, shit.  
SOLLUX: they aren't wh0 y0u think they are. trust me.  
EQUIUS: D --> Well normally I would, but you have been  
EQUIUS: D --> Compromised  
SOLLUX: y0u're such a fucking m0r0n.

Jade speaks up.

JADE: you cant just kidnap people!  
JADE: we have the right to a lawyer!  
NEPETA: :33 < i am a lawyer ;33  
EQUIUS: D --> Nepeta why did you say that and why did you say it like that

Rose squints in the gloom, and can just make out Nepeta's hands flapping around.

EQUIUS: D --> I'm just saying the human has a point

Rose smells an opportunity, and pounces.

ROSE: She does indeed. You must realise that none of this is remotely legal or ethical.

Nepeta sighs.

NEPETA: :33 < equius, when i speak to you in sign, that means that you should sign back because i dont want the captives to know what we are talking about!  
EQUIUS: D --> Oh  
EQUIUS: D --> Well it seems obvious when you put it like that

Wow.

JADE: pff  
JADE: (the big one is so clueless!)  
NEPETA: :33 < hes cute, isnt he?  
JADE: you heard that??  
NEPETA: :33 < feline hearing  
JADE: wow, thats so cool!  
JADE: i have something like that, but with dog hearing  
JADE: it means that i can never stay the night at dirk and jakes though :I  
JADE: the things those two say to each other......  
DAVE: that was more than i ever wanted or needed to know about my brothers sex life  
JOHN: wait, they're back together again?  
ROSE: When did it happen?  
JADE: uhhhhh  
ROSE: I have money riding on this, Jade.  
NEPETA: :OO < can we paws the serious interrogation to gossip?

She looks towards the other two trolls.

SOLLUX: i d0n't give a shit.  
EQUIUS: D --> Should I say my answer in sign this time too?  
NEPETA: :33 < no, you big goober! :PP  
EQUIUS: D --> Okay  
EQUIUS: D --> Then I say no, we shouldn't fraternize with these peons  
ROSE: Do we get a vote?  
NEPETA: :33 < hmmmmm  
NEPETA: :33 < ok, but only if you vote yes on gossipurring!

Rose smiles. She's gotten their captors' guard down. Now, hopefully, she can get some information out of them.

ROSE: You drive a hard bargain, Ms. Leijon.  
NEPETA: :33 < :33  
NEPETA: :33 < wait  
NEPETA: :33 < how do you know my name?

Goddammit.

SOLLUX: 0h shit.  
EQUIUS: D --> I knew it

John decides to step in.

JOHN: aw, man.  
JOHN: i know this seems super weird.  
JOHN: but don't worry, we haven't been stalking you or anything.  
JOHN: there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this!  
JOHN: well, not PERFECTLY reasonable. heh.

The trolls all stare at John like he's an idiot. Well, he is acting like one, Rose thinks.

SOLLUX: l00k, egbert-

The door slams open. Blocking some of the light streaming in from the hallway is a familiar silhouette, with a slumped, irregular form marring his right side.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?


	2. Take Care of Those You Call Your Own

Like a mighty, nubby storm, Karkat descends. 

KARKAT: HEY, FUCKFACES!  
KARKAT: CARE TO EXPLAIN WHY I AM APPARENTLY HOSTING FOUR GUESTS IN MY BASEMENT WITHOUT ANY GODDAMN LIGHTS ON?

He flicks on the light switch, as if to accentuate his point. 

The room they're being held in is revealed to be a run-of-the-mill basement, with wine bottles and a few sacks of potatoes in the corner. 

NEPETA: :33 < i thought your work didnt finish til later!  
KARKAT: I HAD TO PICK MEENAH UP FROM SCHOOL EARLY.  
SOLLUX: did baby vantas get in an0ther fight?

What Rose has just realised is a troll child on Karkat's arm lets out a sob. 

KARKAT: SOLLUX!

Sollux throws up his hands.

SOLLUX: fine, fine.  
SOLLUX: i can't be b0thered t0 deal with the assh0les that every0ne thinks invaded my thinkpan anyway.

Sollux makes to move up the stairs, but Karkat catches him by the elbow. 

KARKAT: IS THAT WHY THESE BULGEMUNCHERS ARE HERE?

He nods. 

KARKAT: WELL, IF THEY ALTERED YOUR MIND, IT'S NOT LIKE WE CAN JUST LET THEM LEAVE...

The kid Karkat's carrying perks up, her braids brushing his shoulder. 

MEENAH: TH-EY ALT-ER-ED SOLLUXS MIND?  
MEENAH: OHHHHH THATS SO COOL  
JOHN: meenah, there was no mind altering or reading going on! promise.  
MEENAH: HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAM-E  
JOHN: uh,  
KARKAT: MEENAH, I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE SUPER TIRED.

Karkat jiggles her around in his arms, an amused twist to his mouth. 

MEENAH: NOT AN-EMOMOR-E!  
MEENAH: L-EMM-E DOWN I WANNA TALK TO TH-E MIND R-EAD-ER  


Karkat releases her from his grip. She scuttles over to John, and Rose notices Equius inch a little closer to them.

JADE: um, karkat?  
KARKAT: I'M NOT DOING THIS IN MY FUCKING BASEMENT.  
KARKAT: FOLLOW ME.

Nepeta runs up to Karkat and Sollux, slinging an arm around both their shoulders. The gods look at each other hesitantly, all of them thrown off by what just happened. 

EQUIUS: D --> I suggest you move

They move. 

MEENAH: DYOU KNOW WHAT MY FAVORIT-E ANIMAL IS, BLU-E BUOY?  
MEENAH: ITS HORRORT-ERRORS  
MEENAH: C-EPT IM SPOS-ED TO CALL -EM SQUIDS AND OCTOPUS-ES AND CUTTL-EFISH-ES  
MEENAH: C-EPT CALLIN -EM HORRORT-ERRORS IS SCHOOL-ER  
MEENAH: S-EAHORS-ES IS ALSO MY FAVORIT-E ANIMAL BUT WHAL-ES IS MOR-E MY FAVORIT-E ANIMAL CAUS-E TH-EYRE BIGG-ER AND STRONG-ER  
MEENAH: BUT ORCAS IS ALSO MY FAVORIT-E  
MEENAH: AND DOLPHINS  
MEENAH: AND SHARKS  
MEENAH: BUT MY FAVORIT-E FAVORIT-E ANIMAL IS  
MEENAH: WAIT  
MEENAH: YOU ALR-EADY KNOW MY FAVORIT-E ANIMAL  
MEENAH: CAUS-E YOU GOT MIND POW-ERS  
MEENAH: CMON BLU-E BUOY  
MEENAH: GU-ESS WHAT IT IS  
JOHN: is it...  
JOHN: crabs?

Meenah stops dead in the hall. She opens her mouth.

MEENAH: DAAAAAAAD!  
KARKAT: I'M YOUR TEMPORARY LEGAL GUARDIAN, MEENAH, NOT YOUR DAD.  
MEENAH: LAM-E

Karkat goes back to his conversation with Nepeta and Sollux. They step into the kitchen. 

Meenah huffs, unsatisfied with that level of attention. She shoves past Rose, Jade, and Dave, pushing the latter roughly. 

Dave collapses, groaning for dramatic effect. 

DAVE: noooo  
DAVE: meenah what have you done to me  
DAVE: how could you  


He reaches a hand to the ceiling, curling it into a claw. 

DAVE: im going to die here  


She giggles. 

MEENAH: YOUR-E LYING!  


Karkat shoulders his way over, and, after a cursory sweep over Dave (ouch, that detachment though) turns to Meenah. 

KARKAT: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT PUSHING PEOPLE?  
MEENAH: BUT H-ES NOT -EV-EN THAT HURT  
KARKAT: THAT DOESN’T MAKE PUSHING HIM OKAY.  
MEENAH: I DONT HAV-E TO SAY SORRY TO LIARS  
KARKAT: MEENAH.  
KARKAT: APOLOGIZE.  
KARKAT: NOW.

She screams what might have been a sorry, running underneath the kitchen counter and attempting to shut herself into a cabinet. Nepeta pats Karkat on the shoulder, and goes after the little girl. 

Karkat goes back into the connecting hallway and holds out a hand for Dave to grab, a simple, gold ring glinting on his thumb.

KARKAT: YOU ALRIGHT?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: im fine  
DAVE: sorry about that, i was just trying to make her laugh  
KARKAT: IT'S FINE.  
KARKAT: SHE NEEDS TO LEARN THAT THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR ISN'T OKAY.  
DAVE: cool  
DAVE: cool cool cool  
DAVE: listen, karkles  


Before Dave can say anything more, Rose yanks him back. 

ROSE: Dave, need I remind you how this very nice stranger has so politely accommodated us in his home?  
KARKAT: I WOULDN'T SAY POLITELY.  
KARKAT: NEPETA AND EQUIUS DID FUCKING KIDNAP YOU.

Rose’s grip tightens as Dave smiles.

They enter the kitchen, with Meenah sitting, arms crossed, on a stool. Nepeta is trying desperately to make her look at a coloring book, to no avail. 

Karkat gestures to the stools all along the kitchen counter.

KARKAT: TAKE A SEAT. DO YOU NEED ANYTHING TO EAT? DRINK?  
EQUIUS: D --> Milk  
KARKAT: NO.  
EQUIUS: D --> Yes  
KARKAT: I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY MILK YOU RAGING IMBECILE.  
EQUIUS: D --> Oh  
EQUIUS: D --> Are you sure  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCK, ZAHHAK.  
NEPETA: :33 < ill get you some when we get home, dont furry!

Sollux rolls his eyes from where he’s slouching in the gamer chair, placed shamefully in the farthest corner of the kitchen. 

SOLLUX: get me water bef0re i get a migraine fr0m listening t0 these m0r0ns.  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

He pours Sollux a glass of water and thrusts it into his hand. 

KARKAT: BUT DO YOU SERIOUSLY FEEL A MIGRAINE COMING ON?  
SOLLUX: 0bvi0usly n0t, dipshit, 0r else i'd actually be absc0nding s0 that i can suffer in peace.  
SOLLUX: what kind 0f panrusted idi0t w0uld n0t directly g0 h0me when getting a migraine?  
SOLLUX: like, what w0uld y0u even d0 if i stayed here? cuddle me?  
SOLLUX: bitch, please.  
SOLLUX: what use is cuddling when it literally feels like my nugbone is being held in 0ne 0f th0se medieval t0rture devices where they clamp a metal ring ar0und your head and squeeze until y0ur panfluid gushes 0ut?  
KARKAT: DON’T BE SO GRAPHIC IN FRONT OF MEENAH.  
MEENAH: I CAN TAK-E IT  
SOLLUX: yeah, y0u say w0rse shit ar0und her daily.  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU, SOLLUX.

Karkat turns to look at the humans. 

KARKAT: ANYTHING YOU ASSHOLES WANT?

Meenah jumps so that she's standing on top of the stool, hands on her hips. Nepeta sighs. 

MEENAH: I WANT CAK-E!  
KARKAT: OK, BUT IF YOU WANT CAKE, YOU’LL HAVE TO SHARE WITH EVERYONE ELSE  
KARKAT: SO THAT IT'S FAIR.  
MEENAH: NO!

Karkat bends in and talks to Meenah in a low voice. John and Dave are both staring at him, dumbstruck, though Rose suspects for different reasons. 

JADE: (we are so having a talk once this is over!)  


Karkat claps Meenah on the back, the two evidently having come to an agreement, and goes to the fridge to fish out a bright pink, crab-shaped cake. 

NEPETA: :33 < oh, dont bother getting slices fur me and equihiss  
NEPETA: :33 < i have to work soon  
NEPETA: :33 < murder case, right eq?  
EQUIUS: D --> Yes

Nepeta grins, a little inappropriately. 

EQUIUS: D --> And I  
EQUIUS: D --> Uh  
EQUIUS: D --> With Nepeta  
EQUIUS: D --> You know  
KARKAT: IF YOU GO SOMEWHERE WITHOUT NEPETA, YOU WON'T SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST, YOU SOCIALLY AWKWARD, ASS-BACKWARDS SHITSPAWN.  


The bite of his insult is lessened by the plates of cake he's handing out. 

KARKAT: AND TRY TO REIN IN YOUR MOIRAIL NEXT TIME.  
KARKAT: WE'RE ANTIFA, NOT THE PROSECUTORS IN ONE OF TEREZI'S RIDICULOUS COURTBLOCK DRAMAS.  
JOHN: you're anti fa?  
JOHN: i thought you were like, organizing a revolution.

Sollux starts snickering. 

NEPETA: :33 < we mostly take down casteist posters and hand out brochures and protest and sometimes we punch people!  
EQUIUS: D --> Nepeta  
NEPETA: :33 < so no we are not organizing a revolution!  
NEPETA: :33 < yet  
JOHN: uh.  
EQUIUS: D --> Nepeta we've talked about this  
NEPETA: :33 < right, right  
NEPETA: :33 < i guess i went a bit far with the dramatics!  
NEPETA: :33 < we dont usually kidnap people  
KARKAT: I'M PRETTY FUCKING AGAINST IT, ACTUALLY.  
NEPETA: :33 < sorry about all this, karkat

She grabs Equius’s arm and drags them both out of the kitchen. 

KARKAT: I NEEDED SOME SOCIAL INTERACTION OUTSIDE OF SCREAMING AT THE INTERNS. YOU'RE FINE, NEP.  
KARKAT: I MEAN, AT LEAST IN MY BOOK. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOUR FUCKING- YOUR FUCKING KIDNAPPING VICTIMS. JESUS.

There's the sound of a door closing. 

KARKAT: DO YOU THINK SHE HEARD ME?  
JADE: its kind of hard not to hear you, karkat!  
SOLLUX: l0l.  
KARKAT: HA HA.  
KARKAT: “KARKAT'S LOUD,” HOW FUCKING ORIGINAL.  
KARKAT: YOU SHOULD GET AN AWARD. TRULY BREAKING SOME FUCKING BARRIERS HERE. PUSHING THE GODDAMN ENVELOPE.

Karkat continues grumbling under his breath as he begins to put the cake away, but Meenah slams a tiny fist on the kitchen counter. 

MEENAH: YOU HAV-E TO G-ET CAK-E TOO  
KARKAT: THERE'S ONLY ONE SLICE LEFT, MEENAH.  
KARKAT: DON'T YOU WANT TO SAVE IT?  
MEENAH: YOU SAID W-E SHOULD GIV-E CAK-E TO -EV-ERYON-E SO -EV-ERYON-ES HAPPY  
MEENAH: YOU GOTTA B-E HAPPY TOO

Karkat crumples completely. He gives her a watery smile as he gets his own plate. Sollux gags. 

MEENAH: AND YOU DONT LIK-E CAK-E ANYWAV-E SO YOULL JUST GIV-E IT TO M-E 38D  
SOLLUX: ha!  
SOLLUX: g00d j0b manipulating kk, ff 2.0.  
KARKAT: FUCK OFF, CAPTOR. WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL HERE?  
SOLLUX: i need t0 talk t0 y0u, idi0t. al0ne.  


Karkat puts a hand on Meenah's shoulder. 

KARKAT: DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT WE DO IF WE'RE IN DANGER AND NEED HELP?

Rose is confused for a moment, then notices the way Karkat is eyeing her and the other three gods. Oh. They're strangers to him. 

The thought hurts more than she'd expected. 

MEENAH: OH MY COOOOOOOOD  
MEENAH: COURS-E I DO  
KARKAT: DO YOU?  
KARKAT: BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN TRUST A SHRIMP WITH THAT ATTITUDE.  
MEENAH: FISHY WORDS AINT GONNA WIN MINNOWVER THIS TIM-E  
MEENAH: JUST GO WITH SOLLUX  
KARKAT: NO, I'M GOING TO NEED A DEMONSTRATION NOW, PEIXES.  
MEENAH: FIN-E

Meenah's chest puffs up, and she takes a deep breath. Sollux covers his ears. 

MEENAH: SKR-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E

Karkat ruffles her hair. 

KARKAT: GOOD JOB, KID.

He slides his untouched slice of cake over to her and walks out of the room with Sollux. 

MEENAH: YISSSSS

John slaps a hand down on the table. 

JOHN: ok, rose.  
JOHN: time to tell us what the fuck is going on!  
DAVE: yeah seriously  
DAVE: like what the hell was all this assfuckery

Dave waves a hand around to indicate the assfuckery. 

ROSE: Honestly, I... don't know.  
ROSE: I made you all come here on a hunch because I recognised Nepeta from our time in the dream bubbles.  
ROSE: I'm not going to say that I wasn't hoping for something like this, but seeing it in person is.  
ROSE: Quite the shock.  


Rose looks down at her lap, fidgeting with her hands. Jade reaches over and squeezes them, smiling at her. 

DAVE: i dunno  
DAVE: it all just seems so  
DAVE: convenient  
DAVE: though i dont know whod try to kill us slash sabotage us  
DAVE: or even how theyd use freaking karkat to do it

There's a telltale smile on Dave's face as he says the name. 

DAVE: we are literal gods thats kind of a long shot either way  


Jade huffs. 

JADE: come on guys!  
JADE: we cant waste this opportunity!  
JOHN: jane didn't revive him though, right? so what gives?  
ROSE: I imagine it's related to, as Dave so graciously likes to put it, "SBURB bullshittery."  
ROSE: Although I can't think of a single way he'd end up with a sea-dweller wiggler.  
JOHN: yeah, that too!  
JOHN: karkat's a dad now, it's so weird.  
JADE: instead of an angry little gremlin, hes a tired, fatherly gremlin with RESPONSIBILITIES! XD  
ROSE: It's admittedly interesting to see how fatherhood has changed his disposition.  
ROSE: Gremlin nature notwithstanding.  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: i guess  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: hes just going to die again  
MEENAH: WRONG!

They all jump, having forgotten the kid was there. She grins, oddly shark-like. 

MEENAH: SHAD-ES OV-ER TH-ER-E SAID YOU W-ER-E GODS, Y-EAH?  
MEENAH: WHICH M-EANS YOU GOT POW-ERS  
ROSE: ... Yes.  
ROSE: Do you intend on telling this to Karkat?  
MEENAH: I AINT NO SNITCH  
MEENAH: AND IF DAD DIDNT B-ELI-EV-E US ABOAT OUR POW-ERS H-E WONT B-ELI-EVE M-E ABOAT YOUR POW-ERS  
ROSE: Who's "us"?  
MEENAH: ALL O MARYAMS KIDS, PLUS M-E AND KANKRI  
ROSE: Maryam? Kanaya Maryam?

A growl comes from the doorway. The four turn, only to see Karkat, glowering. 

KARKAT: OH, I FUCKING SEE HOW IT IS.

His sickles glint in the low light. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if you can tell, but the bit with Sollux was a criticism of DaveKat fics I've read where Karkat's cuddled Dave while he's having a migraine. 
> 
> Most people who get migraines get really really sensitive to stimuli, meaning that any kind of light, sound, or touch is painful, so being close to other people while that's going on is counterproductive and makes the headache worse. I get migraines, sometimes for days, and it gets to the point that someone BREATHING in the same room as me makes me feel like tiny daggers are being stabbed into my skull. 
> 
> Please do your research.


	3. Torsos in My Closet

KARKAT: MEENAH, YOU NEED TO GO TO YOUR ROOM.  
MEENAH: WHAT WHYYYYY  
KARKAT: YOUR NEW FRIENDS AND I NEED TO HAVE GROWN-UP TALK.  
MEENAH: THATS BORING  
KARKAT: DON'T THINK I FORGOT ABOUT YOU STARTING A FIGHT AT SCHOOL TODAY.  
KARKAT: WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE SCOLDED IN FRONT OF YOUR NEW FRIENDS?  
MEENAH: 38U  
KARKAT: MEENAH.  
MEENAH: FIN-E

Meenah stomps out of the kitchen.

Karkat watches her go, a worried line between his eyebrows, before he turns back his gaze and shifts into a fighting stance.

ROSE: It appears we have a misunderstanding.  
ROSE: Why don't you tell us what you think we're doing, Karkat?  
KARKAT: SURE.  
KARKAT: WHAT I THINK IS THAT YOU SAW A DE-POWERED SOLLUX AND THOUGHT HE WAS THE WEAK LINK.  
KARKAT: SO YOU IMPLANTED FALSE MEMORIES INTO HIS HEAD ABOUT PLAYING A "GAME" WITH THE GODS  
KARKAT: WHO JUST SO HAPPEN TO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE YOU.  
KARKAT: AND THAT YOU WERE PLANNING TO USE HIM TO GET TO ME SO THAT YOU COULD KILL ME  
KARKAT: SINCE MEENAH HAVING A GUARDIAN THAT DOESN'T TOUT HER EVERY GOOD QUALITY EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY IS APPARENTLY A FUCKING CRIME  
KARKAT: AND MY BEING A MUTANT IS JUST DOUBLE FUCKING BLASPHEMY.  
KARKAT: AFTER WHICH YOU WOULD USE MEENAH TO GET TO KANAYA MARYAM, FAMOUS PAN-BLOOD GRUB-RAISER AND PROMINENT HEMO-ACTIVIST  
KARKAT: SO THAT YOU COULD TAKE HER WRIGGLERS OFF HER FRONDS, THEREFORE PROVING HER TO BE AN INCOMPETENT CARETAKER  
KARKAT: AND MAKING ANTI-CASTEISM LOSE ITS MOMENTUM.  
JOHN: haha, kanaya's way too badass for any of us to be able to take her kids from her!

Karkat turns to John, dumbstruck.

KARKAT: YOU  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW KANAYA???  
JOHN: yeah!  
JOHN: we also know you!  
JOHN: because we ARE actually the gods.  
JOHN: see?

John jumps up, and doesn't come down. A huge, shit-eating grin on his face, he floats over and ruffles Karkat's hair.

KARKAT: HOLY SHIT.  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK.

Sollux opens the door, having been obviously eavesdropping.

SOLLUX: believe me n0w, KK?  
KARKAT: I AM **THIS** CLOSE TO CRAWLING ONTO MY KITCHEN FLOOR, CURLING UP IN THE FOETAL POSITION, AND SHOVING A FORK UP MY STINK SHAFTS UNTIL I POKE SOMETHING IMPORTANT ENOUGH IN MY PUZZLE SPONGE THAT I HAVE AN ANEURYSM AND FUCKING DIE.  
SOLLUX: can y0u n0t humiliate me utterly by the sec0nd-hand embarrassment 0f kn0wing y0u, just this 0nce?  
KARKAT: HUMILIATION AND BAD TIMING HAVE NEVER STOPPED ME BEFORE, AND THEY WON'T STOP ME NOW.  
KARKAT: CHOKE ON THAT, FUCKNUTS.  
ROSE: Can I interrupt your frankly quite revealing banter?  
KARKAT: CAN YOU FUCKING EXPLAIN THIS HOOFBEASTSHIT?  
ROSE: Yes, I believe that I may be able to shed some... light on the subject.

Dave slams his head on the counter.

DAVE: oh my fucking god rose

Rose smiles.

DAVE: ouch  
DAVE: that hurts  
DAVE: which in hindsight seems pretty obvious  
DAVE: like no fucking shit past dave slamming your head forcefully onto a hard surface is gonna hurt  
DAVE: but in my defense  
DAVE: that was a really shitty pun  
ROSE: I regret nothing.  
JOHN: i thought it was a little funny!  
JADE: john, you think EVERYTHINGS a little funny!  
JADE: but even you have to admit the aspect jokes are getting stale :P  
SOLLUX: i w0uld ask what the hell y0u're talking ab0ut, but i really d0n't care ab0ut any 0f y0u 0r y0ur lives.

While the rest banter, Karkat lays a hand on Dave's shoulder. It scares Dave a little, how familiar it feels.

KARKAT: (do you need an ice pack?)  
DAVE: (holy shit bro)  
DAVE: (i didnt even know what i expected you to say just then but it was certainly not *that*)  
DAVE: (aka the dadliest thing i have ever heard)  
DAVE: (which may not be like the biggest deal coming from me)  
DAVE: (like if egbert told you that)  
DAVE: (then youd know that shit was real)  
DAVE: (but still i feel like it should be remarked upon)  
DAVE: (just cause of how long ive lived and also my proximity to both john and janes dads)  
DAVE: (its a sign)  
DAVE: (literally from the gods haha)  
DAVE: (that you should take a look at yourself)  
DAVE: (really just dig deep)  
DAVE: (and ask yourself)  
DAVE: (have i become a dad)  
KARKAT: (holy shit, do you ever shut up?????)  
KARKAT: (i just asked you if you needed an ice pack for your injury, dipshit.)  
DAVE: (no)  
DAVE: (to both questions)  
KARKAT: (glad to fucking hear it!)  
KARKAT: (now if you could do me a favor and never speak again, that would be fucking wonderful.)

Karkat turns back to the rest of the group, and Dave can't help but feel like he's missed something.

KARKAT: OKAY, SHUT YOUR BLOWHOLES! I NEED SOMEONE TO GIVE ME A CONCISE, THOROUGH EXPLANATION OF WHATEVER THE SHIT IS GOING ON.  
DAVE: blowholes  
KARKAT: MEENAH LIKES IT, SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
KARKAT: SPEAKING OF SHUTTING THE FUCK UP! I'M GOING TO NEED ALL OF YOU TO DO THAT, CIRCA FUCKING IMMEDIATELY.  
ROSE: Apart from whoever's doing the explaining, I presume?  
KARKAT: DON'T GET SMART WITH ME.  
ROSE: I would never.  
KARKAT: GRRRAUAUUURRRURURGHGHGHGHGHHH

John and Jade stifle twin giggles.

ROSE: I'll try to give you an explanation that fits your high, high, standards, Karkat.

She leans forward, a devilish look on her face. It's similar to the expression she wore during the one and only Dungeons & Dragons session she's ever participated in.

They don't play Dungeons & Dragons with Rose anymore.

ROSE: It starts, as a remarkable amount of things do, with a game.

All her fellow gods make faces, as well as Sollux.

SOLLUX: quit the serket impers0nati0n, lal0nde. n0b0dy gives a fuck.  
KARKAT: ACTUALLY, I DO!  
KARKAT: FOR WHATEVER SNIVELLING, GODFORSAKEN REASON, I GIVE A LOT OF FUCKING FUCKS.  
JOHN: pff.  
JADE: haha  
KARKAT: WHAT? WHAT IS IT NOW?  
KARKAT: WHAT DID I FUCKING SAY THAT COULD HAVE *POSSIBLY* TICKLED YOUR AMUSEMENT GLANDS?  
ROSE: Karkat, please give it a rest, or we'll never get anything done.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: OK, YEAH, GOOD POINT.  
ROSE: He sees reason! What a joyous occasion.  
ROSE: Regardless.  
ROSE: The game was a game of universes; more accurately, the fight for the right to create one.  
ROSE: Across the eras, many, many people have played this game.  
ROSE: But only a few are relevant to this story.  
ROSE: Eight kids, and twenty-four trolls.  
KARKAT: TWENTY-FOUR?  
ROSE: Karkat.  
KARKAT: SORRY!  
ROSE: There were four sessions, each with four or twelve players, respectively.  
ROSE: A troll named Sollux Captor was part of one of these sessions.  
ROSE: He, as a Mage of Doom and therefore a comprehension class, had the ability to share memories with his alternate selves.  
ROSE: This is where this Sollux's seemingly incongruous memories came from.

Sollux grins, smug and languid, turning slowly in his gamer chair and looking slightly to the left of Karkat.

SOLLUX: p0ggers.

Karkat sighs.

ROSE: All of the humans survived to be able to enter this new universe, via a game mechanism called god tiering.  
ROSE: This gave us our "godly" powers, as well as conditional immortality.  
ROSE: However, the trolls that followed us here did not have immortality.  
ROSE: You can imagine what happened next.  
SOLLUX: yeesh.

Karkat elbows Sollux in a way he probably thinks is subtle.

KARKAT: DON'T BE FUCKING INSENSITIVE.  
SOLLUX: 0h, please.  
SOLLUX: i c0uld tell y0u were gearing up t0 say s0mething even w0rse.  
SOLLUX: s0 y0u're welc0me f0r taking the fall f0r y0u.  
KARKAT: I NEVER SAID THANK YOU!  
JADE: guys, stop flirting with each other!  
JADE: rose is trying to explain!  
KARKAT: SORRY.  
SOLLUX: 0ur stress resp0nses are the exact same, t0 be fair.

Jade sends an apologetic look Dave's way. Which, uh, why would she do that? Dave is _fine_ , Dave is A-OK, Dave is just peachy, thanks.

DAVE: is that what they were doing  
DAVE: they were flirting  
DAVE: sollux and karkat were flirting  
DAVE: with each other  
DAVE: ... cause they were stressed

Fuck.

JOHN: haha, that's so weird!

Jade slams Dave and John's faces into the counter. She nods brightly at Rose.

KARKAT: HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK???  
SOLLUX: h0ly shit what the fuck.  
JADE: dont worry!  
JADE: theyre gods, they can handle it! :)  
KARKAT: I  
KARKAT: OK???????  
SOLLUX: y0u kn0w what? i d0n't give a fuck anym0re.  
JADE: shut up or youll get the same treatment!  
KARKAT: ...  
SOLLUX: ...  
ROSE: I'll assume that the neutralizing of every male in a five foot radius is my cue to continue.  
JADE: hehe  
ROSE: Now, Mr. Captor, I don't suppose you have any idea of how your existence is possible?

Sollux stares at her blankly.

ROSE: Damn.  
ROSE: I was hoping you would have answers.  
SOLLUX: well.

Rose perks up, head swiveling like an alerted meerkat.

ROSE: What? What is it?  
SOLLUX: uh.  
SOLLUX: i may have talked t0 this guy bef0re. the 0ther me, i mean.  
SOLLUX: telepathically.

There's a moment of silence.

KARKAT: SO YOU'RE TELLING ME  
SOLLUX: please don't fucking start.  
KARKAT: NO  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU  
KARKAT: I WILL START!  
KARKAT: THIS IS THE MOST AUDACIOUS CROCK OF HORSESHIT I HAVE EVER BEEN HANDED.  
KARKAT: I HAVE THE GODDAMN RIGHT TO THROW A FIT.  
KARKAT: THIS SHIP??? THE SHIP OF KARKAT VANTAS'S FUCKING COOL??? IT'S GOING DOWN, BITCHES.  
KARKAT: BETTER YET - _IT NEVER FUCKING EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE._  
KARKAT: IT WAS ALL A DREAM!  
KARKAT: WE'RE ACTUALLY ON THE S.S. WHY THE FUCK DO I LET CRAZY PEOPLE INTO MY HOUSE!  
KARKAT: AND BY CRAZY PEOPLE, I MEAN SOLLUX AND NEPETA. AND EQUIUS BY ASSOCIATION.  
KARKAT: AND, OF COURSE, _ME_ , DECORATED FORMER CAPTAIN OF THE FRUITY ASSHOLE RUMPUS SHIP AND PROUD RECIPIENT OF THE NEVER SHUTTING THE FUCK UP MEDAL!

Meenah runs in, brandishing a cardboard sword and a pirate hat.

MEENAH: AND M-E TH-E SUP-ER COOL FIRST MAT-E WITH LOTS A MON-EY AN NO M-ERCY  
MEENAH: SO ALL YOU MOTHAGLUBBAS B-ETTA SHUT THE FUCK UP  
MEENAH: FOR-E I G-ET YA  
MEENAH: AND MAK-E YA WALK TH-E PLANK!

Karkat puts his head in his hands.

KARKAT: AKJFSHJKFHJDSJKHJ  
KARKAT: MEENAH.  
KARKAT: WHAT DID I ASK YOU TO DO?

Meenah backs away slowly from Karkat.

MEENAH: .........

Karkat reaches over and captures Meenah in a rough hug, trying and failing to suppress a smile.

KARKAT: C'MERE YOU LITTLE STINKER.  
MEENAH: L-EMM-E GOOOO

She tries to wiggle out, but Karkat just hugs her tighter.

KARKAT: HOW DO YOU FIT SO MUCH TROUBLEMAKING IN SUCH A TINY BODY, HUH?  
MEENAH: STOP ITTTTTTT  
KARKAT: NOT UNTIL YOU TELL ME YOUR SECRET. I NEED TO KNOW.  
KARKAT: WAS IT THE NAUTICAL METAPHOR?  
MEENAH: L-EMM-E GO IM GONNA DI-E

She suddenly goes limp in his arms.

MEENAH: BLUH  
MEENAH: IM D-EAD  
KARKAT: OH NO. I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO THROW YOU IN THE TRASH THEN.  
MEENAH: NO YOU CANT THROW M-E IN TH-E TRASH  
MEENAH: IM ROY-E-ELTY  
KARKAT: I WONDER WHO SAID THAT. IT CAN'T HAVE BEEN MEENAH, BECAUSE DEAD PEOPLE CAN'T TALK.

Meenah scrambles out of Karkat's hold, kicking him in the chin in the process.

MEENAH: YOULL N-EV-ER CATCH M-E  
KARKAT: OUCH!  
MEENAH: SORRY!

She runs into the hallway, but pauses just outside. Karkat makes a shooing motion.

KARKAT: IT WAS OKAY THIS TIME, BUT IF YOU EAVESDROP AGAIN I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO BE UPSET WITH YOU, KIDDO.  
MEENAH: WHY?  
KARKAT: IF YOU EAVESDROP ON SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT YOU TO HEAR WHAT THEY'RE SAYING, THAT'S A SIGN OF DISRESPECT.  
KARKAT: IT'S LIKE HOW I DON'T SPY ON WHAT YOU SAY TO YOUR FRIENDS. DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD LIKE IT IF I DID THAT?  
MEENAH: NO  
KARKAT: WELL, I WON'T. BECAUSE I RESPECT YOUR PRIVACY. DO YOU RESPECT MINE?  
MEENAH: Y-ES!  
KARKAT: GOOD GIRL. NOW RUN ALONG, GO TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS OR SOMETHING.  
MEENAH: OK  
MEENAH: BY-E UNCL-E SOLLUX BY-E BLU-E BUOY BY-E DAD BY-E -EV-ERYON-E -ELSE

Meenah waves violently at them and then runs away. Sollux does a small wave back.

Karkat looks sheepishly at the other adults, and starts to say an apology, but Jade interrupts him.

JADE: that  
JADE: was  
JADE: ADORABLE!!!

Jade tackles Karkat in a hug. He looks startled, but doesn't flinch or push her away like the other Karkat did the first time Jade hugged him.

KARKAT: MEENAH'S A GOOD KID.  
ROSE: Indeed. She did quite an extraordinary job of diverting you from your tantrum.  
KARKAT: I- OK, FIRST OF ALL, IT WASN'T A TANTRUM.  
SOLLUX: yes it was.  
KARKAT: SHUT IT, CAPTOR.

They sound like they're parroting an old, familiar routine.

KARKAT: BUT SPEAKING OF MEENAH  
KARKAT: I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO SORT THIS SHIT OUT SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN MY HOUSE.  
KARKAT: GOOD LUCK FIGURING OUT SOLLUX'S DIVINE DESTINY OR WHATEVER THE FUCK, BUT I REALLY DON'T NEED HER GETTING MIXED UP IN THIS.  
KARKAT: WE ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH ON OUR PLATE.

The gods look at each other.

JOHN: uh. we have some bad news for you, buddy.  
ROSE: I'm afraid that you're already irrevocably intertwined with these events. Much more than Sollux is, actually.  
KARKAT: OH, FUCK ME.

Karkat groans, and his face hits the countertop with a painful bang. He makes some indecipherable motion with his left arm towards Rose.

SOLLUX: that means "please c0ntinue."  
DAVE: (i knew that)  
JADE: (shush!)

Rose pats Karkat's shoulder faux-sympathetically.

ROSE: Do you need a moment?  
KARKAT: MRGMFMRGRMGHR  
KARKAT: NO.

Rose clears her throat.

ROSE: Karkat, you were one of the trolls that played the game, and then followed us into this universe.  
ROSE: Onto Earth-C.

Karkat looks at Rose. He stands up. He retreats into the middle of the kitchen, pointing a finger at the Seer and dropping into a squat.

KARKAT: OH.  
KARKAT: OH, _FUCK NO._  
KARKAT: I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS.  
KARKAT: I REFUSE TO FUCKING BELIEVE THIS.  
KARKAT: I'M - I'M LITERALLY A FUCKING NEWSPAPER EDITOR. I TAKE CARE OF A KID.  
KARKAT: WE VISIT MY LUSUS EVERY MONTH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!  
KARKAT: I AM AN _ADULT_.  
KARKAT: A PERFECTLY NORMAL, AVERAGE ADULT-  
SOLLUX: apart fr0m the-  
KARKAT: NOT HERE, SOLLUX.  
KARKAT: AND THEN YOU FOUR TRAIPSE IN!  
KARKAT: OR NO, WAIT, GET FUCKING **KIDNAPPED** BY MY BATSHIT INSANE FRIENDS BECAUSE I LIVE IN A SOAP OPERA!  
KARKAT: AND NOW APPARENTLY I'M A FUCKING REINCARNATION OF A GOD.  
ROSE: You weren't really-  
KARKAT: FOR ALL THAT IS DEAR TO YOU IN THE WORLD, I ***STRONGLY*** SUGGEST YOU DON'T FINISH THAT SENTENCE.  
KARKAT: I HAVE HIT MY LIMIT!  
KARKAT: ENOUGH BULLSHIT FOR TODAY.  
KARKAT: TA TA, EVERYONE! I'M OFF TO FIND A GUILLOTINE TO STICK MY HEAD IN.  
KARKAT: BUT AFTER I'VE GOTTEN MY BEHEADING OVER WITH, YOU CAN *TOTALLY* TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT IT!!!

Karkat finishes, breathing heavily.

SOLLUX: i had an easier time accepting this than y0u, and i had the details directly beamed int0 my disgusting mutant thinkpan.  
KARKAT: I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANY OF THE DETAILS!

Karkat rubs a hand down his face.

KARKAT: FUCKING- UGH.  
KARKAT: THIS IS THE MOST OUTLANDISH THING I'VE EVER HEARD, BUT IT ALSO SEEMS LIKE SOMETHING THAT I HAVE TO FUCKING DEAL WITH.  
ROSE: So...?  
KARKAT: SO WE NEED TO TALK TO KANAYA.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Karkat's a good dad! If you don't agree, meet me in the pit.


	4. This Is Our Selves (Under Pressure)

After some debate, Karkat and the self-proclaimed gods had agreed on him picking them up and then driving all of them to Kanaya's - because several cars showing up outside of her house would probably make Kanaya come out with the chainsaw, though Karkat decided not to mention that - on the only day Karkat was free, during the weekend. The red one (fuck, Karkat still doesn't know their names) had made a face when Karkat said the name of the day, oddly. Daveday is admittedly a pretty godawful sound.

Unfortunately, on the day of, Karkat realises that he hasn't arranged a babysitter for Meenah.

Luckily, he has a favor to cash in.

EQUIUS: D --> What do you e%pect me to do here  
KARKAT: I TRUST YOU TO KEEP HER SAFE.  
EQUIUS: D --> But who will keep me safe from her  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GLUB, EQUIUS.  
KARKAT: SHE DOESN'T BITE  
KARKAT: ANYMORE.  
KARKAT: JUST TRY.  
EQUIUS: D --> Okay  
EQUIUS: D --> Hello Meenah  
EQUIUS: D --> I know you like seahorses  
EQUIUS: D --> But what do you think of land horses  
MEENAH: TH-EYR-E LAM-E  
EQUIUS: D --> I can't do this  
KARKAT: YOU'LL BE FINE! SHE'LL BEHAVE. RIGHT, MEENAH?  
MEENAH: NO  
EQUIUS: D --> Karkat, I w001d, but I already have my hooves full with Horuss  
KARKAT: FUCK, FINE.  
KARKAT: I JUST DON'T KNOW WHO ELSE TO GO TO.  
EQUIUS: D --> Feferi  
MEENAH: I WANNA B-E WITH F-EF-ERI, NOT THIS BORING W----EIRDO!  
KARKAT: MEENAH, DON'T BE RUDE.  
EQUIUS: (D --> Good lord)  
KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE THAT SHE'D BE OK WITH IT?  
EQUIUS: D --> If I recall correctly, she was disappointed that you and Meenah weren't taking part in the ancestor-descendant day today  
EQUIUS: D --> So yes probably  
KARKAT: FUCK, I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THAT!  
EQUIUS: D --> The day is young  
EQUIUS: D --> She can probably still do it

Karkat calls Feferi. She is absolutely delighted to watch over Meenah for the day.

He then drives to the address he was given by the green one, smack dab in the middle of nowhere. He ignores the green flash of light outside just before the humans all stumble into his car, for his own sanity.

JADE: hello!  
JOHN: hey karkat!  
KARKAT: DON'T FUCKING DISTRACT ME WHILE I'M DRIVING OR I'LL LOSE FOCUS AND KILL US ALL.  
ROSE: Good morning to you too.

They don't stop talking throughout the entirety of the ride, and Karkat gets close to bursting a blood vessel.

When he pulls up beside Kanaya's perfect, white-picket-fence house in the suburbs, he turns around and hisses at them to stay in the car. She doesn't need any more criminal charges.

KANAYA: Ah Hello Karkat  
KANAYA: I Actually Need To Talk To You About Meenah  
KARKAT: WHAT IS IT?  
KANAYA: I Just Wanted To Tell You That She Has Made A Friend  
KANAYA: I Understand That She May Have Told You This Herself However As I Am Sure You Know Her Opinion On Herself Makes Her Views On How Others See Her A Bit Skewed  
KANAYA: So I Thought That Me Confirming It As Well Would Be Necessary To Lend Her Claim Legitimacy  
KARKAT: OH.  
KARKAT: OH, KANAYA, THAT'S WONDERFUL.  
KANAYA: It Is Isnt It  
KARKAT: WHICH LITTLE BASTARD WAS IT?  
KANAYA: Please Dont Refer To My Charges That Way  
KARKAT: OH, FUCK, I DIDN'T -  
KANAYA: That Was A Joke I Dont Actually Care  
KANAYA: Truth Be Told I Often Feel The Urge To Call Them Similar Names  
KANAYA: Though I Do Not Have The Creativity That You Possess  
KARKAT: COUNT YOUR LUCKY STARS FOR THAT, MARYAM.  
KARKAT: BUT WHICH KID IS IT?  
KANAYA: Aranea  
KANAYA: The Talkative One  
KARKAT: I MIGHT SET UP A PLAYDATE SOMETIME, THEN.  
KANAYA: Please Do  
KANAYA: I Was Not Making A Joke When I Said She Was Talkative

Kanaya looks over Karkat's shoulder, and her expression turns to steel.

KANAYA: Excuse Me For A Second Please  
KANAYA: There Are Some Suspicious People Over There That Seem To Be Observing Our Interaction  
KARKAT: KANAYA, HOLD ON-  
KANAYA: Dont Worry Ill Take Care Of Them

Karkat catches Kanaya's arm before she takes out the chainsaw.

KARKAT: I INVITED THEM.  
KARKAT: THE GUESTS I MENTIONED, REMEMBER?  
KANAYA: Oh  
KANAYA: To Be Honest When You Said Guests I Thought You Meant People From Our Kind Of Isolated Social Group  
KANAYA: My Good Publicity With Raising The Kids May Have Helped Public Perception Somewhat But I Cant Imagine That There Are Many People Who Would Accept A Mutantblood Who-  
KARKAT: SHUSH!! THEY DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT!!  
KANAYA: Oh  
KANAYA: What Part  
KARKAT: THE MUTANTBLOOD PART.  
KARKAT: THEY KNOW ABOUT MEENAH BUT I DON'T THINK THEY'VE PUT THE DOTS TOGETHER YET.  
KANAYA: Its Very Lucky That They Arent Up To Date With Troll Politics  
KANAYA: Or Are Stupid  
KARKAT: PFF, YEAH.  
KANAYA: Though I Dont Know Why You Would Invite Them Here If They Exhibited Either Of Those Traits  
KARKAT: IT'S - PRETTY COMPLICATED, ACTUALLY. AND I THINK THERE'S KIND OF AN URGENT ISSUE?  
KARKAT: IT'S SOME KIND OF BULLSHIT, IS WHAT I'M SAYING.  
KANAYA: I Suspected As Much  
KANAYA: ...  
KANAYA: You Know  
KANAYA: Your Friends Look Really Awkward Over There  
KANAYA: And I Think Its Pretty Obvious That We Are Talking About Them Which Doesnt Help  
KARKAT: OH GOD, YEAH

Karkat waves the four over. There's an odd drifting quality to the way they walk, like they're a half-step away from just floating off.

KANAYA: Your Visit Is Very Conveniently Timed  
KANAYA: The Children Are All Visiting Their Ancestors  
KANAYA: Apart From Porrim Of Course  
KANAYA: I Was Actually About To See Damara And Meulin Off

As if summoned on cue, Aradia and Damara come rushing out.

ARADIA: hi karkat!  
DAVE: aradia?  
ROSE: Aradia?  
ARADIA: sounds like there are shenanigans afoot!  
KARKAT: YOU DON'T KNOW THE FUCKING HALF OF IT.  
ARADIA: haha  
ARADIA: i wish we could stick around with you guys, but me and damara have our own adventure to get to!  
ARADIA: it was nice to run into you, karkat and mysterious friends 0u0  
ROSE: I'm sure the sentiment is mutual.

Karkat bends down to speak with Damara.

KARKAT: GOOD LUCK WITH HER.  
DAMARA: Thank y0u. I will need it.

Aradia just grins, and Rose catches the hint of a smile on Damara's face before she buries it in Aradia's skirts.

Aradia sweeps Damara up into her arms, the little girl shrieking in either panic or glee, and runs straight into the road. Karkat blinks, and they've both disappeared.

God, his friends are so fucking weird.

Kanaya gestures them into the house.

Nepeta, Meulin sitting on her shoulders and meowing at a volume that should be impossible for her tiny lungs, races by.

NEPETA: :33 < HI JADE!  
JADE: hi!!!

Kanaya opens the door, and they barrel out of the house, leaving a slight breeze in their wake. She doesn't bat an eye.

They go deeper into the house, and Kanaya pokes her head into a room branching off of the hallway.

KANAYA: Porrim Will You Come Over Here Please  
PORRIM: Yes, Mo+m?  
KANAYA: Im Afraid That Some Rather Urgent Business Has Come Up And We Will Have To Postpone Our Plans For The Day  
PORRIM: I'll take care o+f Kankri fo+r yo+u!  
KANAYA: Thank You Dear

Karkat looks at Kanaya.

KARKAT: (KANKRI?)  
KANAYA: (Later)

John peeks into the doorway, and coos.

JOHN: aw, she's like a mini kanaya.  
JOHN: so cute!  
KANAYA: I Worry She Is A Little Too Much Like Me  
ROSE: At the risk of being forward, I must say that one can never go wrong trying to be more like you, my dear.  
KANAYA: Youre Right  
KANAYA: That Was A Little Forward  
JADE: (oh geez)  
JADE: we should introduce ourselves before getting down to serious business!  
JADE: im jade harley! nice to meet you :)  
DAVE: dave strider  
KANAYA: Kanaya Maryam  
KANAYA: Though I Suspect You Already Knew My Name Due To Subtle Social Cues That I Have Picked Up On Through The Course Of Our Interaction  
KANAYA: Also The Blue Boy Who Is Following Behind Karkat Like A Lost Duckling Said It Earlier  
JOHN: i'm not following behind karkat like a lost duckling. that would be ridiculous.  
JADE: you kiiiiind of are though!  
JOHN: shush jade!  
JOHN: and i have a name you know. it's JOHN EGBERT, not blue buoy.  
JOHN: i mean blue boy.  
KANAYA: Ah  
KANAYA: My Apologies  
KANAYA: John Egbert Who Is Following Behind Karkat Like A Non Lost Duckling  
JOHN: BLUH!!

Dave puts a solemn hand on John's shoulder.

DAVE: hey man no shame  
DAVE: were all just lost ducklings on the highway of life  
DAVE: following our mama goose  
DAVE: who in this case happens to be a short grumpy troll  
DAVE: whos just trying

Dave cuts himself off, making a face.

DAVE: damn pronouns are hard  
DAVE: whos just trying her slash his best to keep us from being squished into rainbow soup  
DAVE: well mostly red soup but lets pretend our friend group is diverse for the sake of the metaphor  
DAVE: squished into rainbow but mostly red soup under the eighteen wheeler of life yeah that works  
DAVE: because apparently none of us were smart enough to go hey mama kargoose why the hell are we going on this extremely deadly route why couldnt we have gone to a fucking pond or something  
DAVE: but goosekat would not budge  
DAVE: going on like yall the other side of this highway is the fuckin shit bro  
DAVE: i mean personally i have some doubts but damn if karkat isnt persuasive as shit in his weirdly endearing shouty way

What the fuck.

ROSE: ... Ignoring that.

Rose turns to Kanaya, smiling enigmatically. Or, attempting to smile enigmatically. She looks a little constipated.

ROSE: I'm Rose Lalonde.  
ROSE: Call me Rose.  
KANAYA: Okay Rose

She bends down to kiss Kanaya's hand.

ROSE: Enchanté, Ms. Maryam.  
KANAYA: Sorry I Dont Know Spanish

Holy shit.

DAVE: they  
DAVE: why didnt i just say they  
DAVE: gender neutral pronoun literally right there dave  
DAVE: im such an idiot  
KARKAT: ...

Karkat and Kanaya share a look.

JOHN: (oh my god.)  
JADE: (we have to save them from their own terrible flirting!)  
JOHN: (as good friends should.)  
JADE: HEY KANAYA WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE US TO GO???  
KANAYA: Well I Was Going To Just Show You  
KANAYA: But Down The Hall To The Right Is My Dining Room  
KANAYA: Please Excuse The Mess I Am Raising Ten Children  
JADE: COOL OK THAAAAAANKS!

Jade and John muscle the other two into the dining room, leaving Karkat and Kanaya alone in the hallway.

KARKAT: THANKS FOR ASKING FOR THEIR NAMES, BY THE WAY.  
KANAYA: Did You Forget To Do That  
KARKAT: I MIGHT HAVE.  
KANAYA: Youre Astonishingly Useless Sometimes Karkat  
KARKAT: I WAS PREOCCUPIED!  
KANAYA: By What  
KARKAT: NEPETA AND EQUIUS KIDNAPPED THE FUCKERS AND HID THEM IN MY BASEMENT  
KARKAT: AND I HAD MEENAH TO SEE TO.  
KANAYA: I Am Not Going To Comment On The First Part Of Your Statement But I Understand What You Mean By Having Meenah To See To  
KANAYA: She Has An Odd Way Of Monopolizing Attention  
KANAYA: It Is A Little Reminiscent Of Vriska Actually  
KARKAT: THAT DOESN'T BODE WELL.  
KANAYA: I Didnt Mean It Like That  
KARKAT: I KNOW YOU DIDN'T  
KARKAT: BUT SHOULD WE ACTUALLY SEE TO THE GUESTS, NOW?  
KANAYA: I Cant Say That It Isnt At Least A Little Amusing How You Exclude Yourself From Being A Guest  
KANAYA: However If You Could Continue Operating Under That Delusion And Help Me With My Duties As A Hostess It Would Be Appreciated  
KARKAT: ALL YOU EVER HAVE TO DO IS ASK.  
KANAYA: In That Case I Shall Ask You To Put On Some Tea And Grab The Biscuit Tin  
KANAYA: You Know The One On Top Of The Fridge  
KARKAT: I KNOW THE ONE.  
KANAYA: Dont Take Too Long  
KANAYA: I Dont Really Know What To Talk About With These People And I Fear It Will Get Very Awkward Very Quickly  
KARKAT: TRUST ME  
KARKAT: YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY TO TALK ABOUT  
KANAYA: Thats Worryingly Ominous  
KARKAT: YOU'LL SEE WHAT I MEAN.

When Karkat steps foot in the kitchen, he sees a small boy with a red sweater standing on a chair to reach a cabinet.

KARKAT: HI KANKRI.  
KARKAT: HOW ARE YOU DOING?  
KANKRI: _KARKAT!_

Kankri barrels into Karkat, and he lets out a soft _oof_ , resting a hand across Kankri's narrow shoulders.

KANKRI: I CAN'T 6ELIEVE YOU'RE HERE, OH MY 9OODNESS.  
KARKAT: DEEP BREATHS, COME ON.  
KARKAT: YOU WANNA HELP ME GET SOME THINGS PREPARED FOR KANAYA'S GUESTS?  
KANKRI: OK!

Karkat hands Kankri the tin.

KARKAT: PICK SOME BISCUITS FROM HERE AND PUT THEM ON A PLATE.  
KARKAT: MAKE SURE THEY DON'T LOOK FU- FRIGGING BAD.  
KANKRI: THEY'RE 9ONNA LOOK FRI99IN9 _9REAT!_  
KARKAT: THEY BETTER.

Kankri nods, a determined look in his eyes, and starts picking out treats.

A couple minutes later, the kettle whistles, and Karkat grabs some cups and puts them all on a tray. He realises that he didn't ask what tea everyone wanted, and then remembers that he doesn't give a fuck. They'll have to manage with Troll Earl Grey (which is just human Earl Grey but greyer).

KARKAT: KANKRI?

Kankri is still studiously arranging the biscuits on the plate.

KARKAT: SUCH A LITTLE PERFECTIONIST. I WAS JUST LIKE YOU WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, YOU KNOW.

Kankri finally looks up. Of course, the kid pays attention _now_.

KANKRI: REALLY?  
KARKAT: UH HUH.  
KANKRI: CAN YOU TELL ME A6OUT IT?  
KARKAT: NOT NOW. I'M A LITTLE BUSY WITH GROWN-UP STUFF.

Kankri droops.

God, Karkat doesn't know how to handle this. It's not like Meenah, who is always full of energy even when upset, or even Porrim, who bottles up all her emotions until she explodes.

Karkat has no idea what to do about this quiet melancholy.

But he still crouches down, and tries.

KARKAT: LOOK, KANKRI. TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU WANT ON THE ARRANGING.  
KARKAT: I'M SURE IT WILL LOOK SUPER NICE AND KANAYA WILL BE VERY PROUD OF YOU.

He ruffles Kankri's hair to the point where it's as wild as his own.

KARKAT: I DON'T WANT TO KEEP THEM WAITING ANY LONGER, SO I'LL BE GOING WITH THE TEA NOW.  
KARKAT: WE CAN TALK LATER, OK?

He claps Kankri on his shoulder, and steps out, kettle and filled teacups on a tray.

Porrim tugs at the hem of his shirt, and he almost drops it on her.

KARKAT: CAREFUL, I'M CARRYING HOT DRINKS.  
PORRIM: O+h so+rry.  
KARKAT: IT'S FINE  
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU WANT?  
PORRIM: Do+ yo+u kno+w where Kanny went?  
KARKAT: HE'S IN THE KITCHEN.  
KARKAT: DON'T HOLD THE LITTLE FFFFFF  
KARKAT: FRIEND  
KARKAT: UP TOO MUCH, HE'S HELPING ME WITH THE GUESTS.  
PORRIM: Can I help to+o+?  
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S REALLY ANYTHING TO HELP WITH, BUT YOU CAN ASK HIM.

Porrim nods solemnly, and makes a beeline for the kitchen.

Karkat nudges open the door to the dining room, and catches the tail-end of a conversation.

ROSE: - which I believe was the point where you murdered him.  
KANAYA: That Does Sound Like Something I Would Do  
KANAYA: Oh Hello Karkat I See Youve Brought Some Tea  
KARKAT: I GOT A LITTLE HELPER. HE'S JUST COMING IN WITH THE BISCUITS.  
KANAYA: Oh Dear

Kanaya reaches a hand into a pocket and brings out several pairs of earplugs, two of which she delicately places into her own ears.

KANAYA: Prepare Yourselves

Rose takes a pair and slots them on. Karkat rolls his eyes, and starts distributing the tea.

JADE: why do we need earplugs?  
DAVE: listen ive talked to karkats ancestor  
DAVE: i get hes wordy but are these really necessary  
KANAYA: This Isnt Karkats Ancestor  
KANAYA: Its His Descendant  
KANAYA: Who Was Raised In Proximity To Constant Ear Splitting Shrieks Much Like Karkat And Subsequently Meenah  
JOHN: is that where he gets his shoutiness from?  
KANAYA: Its My Hypothesis  
KANAYA: So Put Your Fucking Earplugs In I Dont Want To Be Liable For Any Of You Going Deaf Because Two Vantases Were In The Same Room As Each Other

They comply.

Kankri opens the door in a huff.

KANKRI: AUNT KANAYA, WHY DID PORRIM 9ET TO KNOW A6OUT KARKAT COMING HERE 6UT NOT ME?  
KANAYA: That Is A Very Nice Arrangement Of Biscuits Kankri  
KANKRI: SCREW THE 6ISCUITS!

Kankri throws the plate on the ground, and it fractures on the wooden floorboards.

Dave flinches.

Kanaya sets down her tea and stands up.

KANAYA: Is That Any Way To Behave  
KANKRI: 6UT PORRIM SAID YOU TOLD HER-  
KANAYA: It Doesnt Matter What Porrim Said  
KANAYA: Is Throwing A Tantrum And Breaking Things A Good Reaction In Any Circumstance

Kankri crosses his arms and looks at the floor, refusing to meet Kanaya's eyes. She sighs and rubs her temples.

KARKAT: KANAYA'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW.  
KANKRI: NO SHE ISN'T.  
KARKAT: YOU'RE USUALLY MORE MATURE THAN THIS, KANKRI.  
KARKAT: I'M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.

Kankri's eyes fill with tears.

KANKRI: I THOUGHT YOU LIKED ME.  
KARKAT: NO NO NO, OF COURSE I LIKE YOU.  
KANKRI: YOU DON'T LIKE ME.  
KANKRI: NO6ODY LIKES ME, NOT EVEN MY LUSUS. NOT EVEN MY ANCESTOR.  
KARKAT: KANKRI NO  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WE BOTH LOVE YOU TO FUCKING BITS.  
KANKRI: YOU LOVE MEENAH MORE THAN YOU LOVE ME.

Kanaya steps in between Karkat and Kankri.

KANAYA: Ok Why Dont We All Take A Little Break From Each Other  
KANKRI: I'M NOT 9OIN9 ANYWHERE.  
KANKRI: IT'S NOT FAIR MEENAH 9ETS TO 6E WITH HIM ALL THE TIME AND I CAN'T EVEN THOUGH HE'S *MY* ANCESTOR 6ECAUSE I'M A STUPID USELESS MUTANT!  
KANAYA: You Are Not Stupid Or Useless Kankri  
KANKRI: 6UT I AM! I AM I AM I AM!

Kanaya steps forward and puts a gentle hand on Kankri's head, but he wrenches himself away and runs out.

KANAYA: Should I  
KARKAT: JUST TEXT HIM. HE'S PROBABLY ALREADY EN ROUTE TO MAKE SURE NOTHING WENT WRONG, THE PARANOID OLD FUCKER.  
KARKAT: ... I'M SORRY FOR RUINING THIS.  
KANAYA: To Be Frank I Was Prepared For An Excessive Amount Of Shouting Not  
KANAYA: That  
KANAYA: But Children Are Children I Suppose  
KANAYA: And Vantases Are Vantases  
KARKAT: ARE YOU BESMIRCHING THE FAMILY NAME, MARYAM?  
KANAYA: Oh No I Could Never  
KANAYA: Consider It Un Smirched  
KANAYA: Wait That Sounded Stupid Forget I Said That  
KARKAT: HAHAHAHAHAHA  
KARKAT: I'M RUBBING OFF ON YOU.  
KANAYA: I Hope Not  
KANAYA: For The Sake Of The Children  
ROSE: For the sake of the children indeed.

Karkat forcefully slams his face into his hands.

KARKAT: OH GOD  
KARKAT: I FORGOT YOU WERE ALL HERE  
KARKAT: I AM SO SORRY YOU HAD TO SEE THAT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fun thing about the Alpha trolls is that, since they're given so little characterization in canon, I can make them whatever I want!


	5. I Was Far Too Much in Love to See

JOHN: uh-  
KARKAT: CAN YOU JUST  
KARKAT: CAN YOU JUST LET ME STEW IN MY HUMILIATION, PLEASE???  
KANAYA: Okay  
KANAYA: We Will Let You Do That  
KANAYA: But Would You Like To Have A Seat And A Nice Cup Of Tea While You Stew  
KARKAT: YOU AND YOUR REASONABLE FUCKING SUGGESTIONS.  
KANAYA: I Know  
KANAYA: Horrible Arent They

Karkat lets Kanaya guide him to a seat next to her, head still in his hands.

KANAYA: Anyway Can We Get Back To The "Reincarnation" Discussion  
ROSE: I think everyone here is eager to move on from that, regardless of how clumsy the segue.  
KANAYA: Uh  
ROSE: What were you going to say, Kanaya?  
KANAYA: Well  
KANAYA: From What I Can Tell  
KANAYA: It Seems Likely That We Are Not Descendants But Identical Genetic Copies Of Your Friends As You Said  
KANAYA: And Judging From The Nature Of This Enigmatic Game You Speak Of  
KANAYA: It Sounds Like All This Was Meant To Be  
KANAYA: Some Kind Of Easter Egg  
JOHN: like in a video game?  
KANAYA: Yes  
JOHN: oh, geez.  
KANAYA: Exactly My Thoughts  
ROSE: I had considered that possibility myself, but it seemed a bit too... grim.  
KANAYA: Perhaps  
KANAYA: Though Maybe Your Proximity To Our Alt Selves And The Game Itself Affects Your Perspective

Karkat re-inserts himself into the conversation in record time.

KARKAT: ACTUALLY, I AGREE WITH LALONDE OVER HERE!  
KARKAT: THE DISCOVERY THAT YOUR _ENTIRE LIFE_ WAS JUST A FUN LITTLE SURPRISE PRESENT FOR SOME ASSHOLE GODS IS PRETTY FUCKING SHITTY.  
KANAYA: I Dont Think Our Entire Lives  
KANAYA: More Like  
KANAYA: The Surprise Present Is Just This Moment  
KANAYA: Or More Accurately The Chance To Get Some Closure With Their Dead Friends By Using Us As A Conduit  
KANAYA: If That Makes Sense

Karkat seems to consider this, and then nods.

JOHN: wait, guys.  
JOHN: i think i'm speaking for everyone here when i say that we don't want this to be just a moment.  
JOHN: you're our friends.  
JOHN: even if you're different 'cause you grew up here and not on alternia, even if you have a whole different life, even if you don't know _us_.  
JOHN: look, i don't know that much about nature and nurture and all that stuff, but what i do know is that karkat vantas and kanaya maryam are my _friends_ , and i care about you.  
JOHN: no matter what.  
JADE: and um  
JADE: id like to add that i do know a little something about nature and nurture  
JADE: and its possible that you two are completely different to the trolls we knew!  
JADE: but if thats true  
JADE: then well just get to know each other all over again!  
JADE: i think that would still be worthwhile

There's a poignant silence.

KANAYA: I Mean  
KANAYA: Sure

... Maybe it was just poignant to Karkat.

It's followed by a much more awkward silence and, as is his duty, Karkat punctures it in the least graceful way possible.

KARKAT: OK  
KARKAT: WELL  
KARKAT: THAT WAS A THING.  
KARKAT: SHOULD WE-

There's an ear-splitting shriek from outside.

KARKAT: OH JESUS SHITTING CHRIST.  
KANAYA: It Seems You Were Right In Your Assertion That Kankris Grandcrab Was Already On The Way Here Considering The Speed Of His Arrival  
KANAYA: Ill Go Sort It Out  
KANAYA: Excuse Me

She hurries out, already calling Kankri's name.

ROSE: Well, this certainly has been a tumultuous visit.  
KARKAT: YOU'RE PREACHING TO THE JUGGALOS.

There's more shrieking.

KARKAT: UH  
KARKAT: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO. SOON.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: this is  
DAVE: a little awkward  
KARKAT: DO YOU NEED ME TO- ?  
DAVE: nah  
DAVE: s cool  
DAVE: got our very own method of transportation right here  
DAVE: aka *the* jade harley  
KARKAT: MHM.

Dave stares at Karkat for an unsettling amount of time, and Karkat starts shifting in his seat.

Rose, John, and Jade are quiet, looking away.

KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: nothin just  
DAVE: lets do another meetup  
DAVE: maybe not with  
DAVE: everyone  
DAVE: this time  
KARKAT: THAT'S PROBABLY FOR THE BEST.  
KARKAT: BUT WITH WHO?  
DAVE: what do you mean with who  
KARKAT: DIDN'T YOU SAY EARLIER THAT THERE WERE TROLLS OTHER THAN KANAYA AND I THAT YOU KNEW FROM  
KARKAT: FROM BEFORE?  
KARKAT: LALONDE, DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT.  
ROSE: Yes.

Karkat's attempt to include the verbose Lalonde in the conversation proves to be in vain, uncharacteristically.

KARKAT: SO DON'T YOU WANT TO TALK TO THE OTHER TROLLS?  
KARKAT: AND HAVE ME CONTACT THEM TO ARRANGE A MEETING WITH YOU?  
KARKAT: IF I KNOW THEM, OF COURSE.  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: yeah totally thats what i meant  
ROSE: Speaking of which, I think I'll go to Kanaya now.  
ROSE: Yes.

She hurries out of the increasingly tense room, and John and Jade stare longingly after her, like they too want an excuse to leave.

DAVE: i do actually wanna talk to terezi though  
DAVE: shes maybe the only one who could actually be like  
DAVE: fucking cool about this  
KARKAT: ???  
DAVE: just hook me up with her or something  
DAVE: jesus

Dave stands up from the table abruptly, and leaves. John trails after him, taking out his phone and typing a number.

Karkat is left with an exponentially increasing number of questions. He's starting to doubt that he's ever going to get answers.

JADE: karkat?  
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU WANT.  
JADE: oh i dont want anything!  
JADE: just  
JADE: it was really nice meeting you and kanaya  
JADE: thats all  
KARKAT: ... DITTO, I GUESS.  
KARKAT: ALTHOUGH I DON'T ALREADY KNOW YOU FROM A PREVIOUS FUCKING LIFETIME, SO IT'S PROBABLY DIFFERENT.  
JADE: well  
JADE: if it makes you feel any better, i see you as an entirely different person from the karkat i knew in the game  
KARKAT: REALLY.  
JADE: really!  
JADE: i guess it seems weird to the average person  
JADE: but i have experience with this kind of thing, so its pretty easy for me to differentiate you and him  
KARKAT: EXPERIENCE???  
JADE: dont ask  
KARKAT: GODS ARE SO FUCKING WEIRD.  
JADE: youre telling me!  
JADE: i have had to deal with these weirdos in like three different universes  
KARKAT: DO I EVEN WANT TO KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED?  
JADE: it would consume your sad underdeveloped mortal think pan to even contemplate  
JADE: and even if it wouldnt the answer is probably still no

Karkat huffs in a way that might be construed as a laugh.

KARKAT: YOU'RE ALRIGHT, HARLEY.  
JADE: thanks!  
JADE: you seem pretty shifty though  
JADE: i dunno if i trust you >.>  
KARKAT: I'M JUST AN AVERAGE TROLL, DOING HIS BEST TO TAKE CARE OF A POOR, SWEET, INNOCENT LITTLE EIGHT-YEAR-OLD GIRL.  
KARKAT: WHAT COULD POSSIBLY UNTRUSTWORTHY ABOUT THAT?  
JADE: nice try, but ive met meenah  
KARKAT: DAMN. THERE GOES MY DEFENSE.

Jade's phone buzzes.

JADE: oh thats john texting me  
JADE: theyre all rounded up and ready to go  
KARKAT: CAN I ASK *WHERE* YOU'RE GOING?  
JADE: you can! it probably wont make any sense to you though  
KARKAT: SPACE?  
JADE: space.

Jade claps her hands together.

JADE: oh, before i forget!  
JADE: pester me at gardengnostic  
KARKAT: UH.  
KARKAT: LIKE ON EARTH-CHAT? THE APP THAT MEENAH USES?  
JADE: do you not  
KARKAT: I'LL JUST GIVE YOU MY NUMBER.

Jade hands her phone over, and he inputs his number clumsily.

JADE: tell nepeta i said hi!

She smiles at him, and then disappears in a flash of green light.

KARKAT: AH FUCK MY EYES!!!!!!

In his temporary blindness, he stumbles, only to be steadied by a small hand at his side.

He squints his eyes open, and a young girl with a bun and a long skirt stares back up at him. Karkat almost jumps out of his skin, letting out a high-pitched wail.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK HOW DID YOU GET HERE?!?!

Damara giggles.

KARKAT: DON'T YOU FUCKING GIGGLE AT ME, YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE.  
KARKAT: AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE WITH ARADIA???  
DAMARA: This is part of Aradia's less0ns.  
KARKAT: WHAT, SNEAKING THE FUCK UP ON PEOPLE AND SCARING THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF THEM???????  
DAMARA: Yes.  
DAMARA: I have d0ne this t0 many pe0ple.  
DAMARA: It is very funny.  
KARKAT: I'M SURE YOU FUCKING THINK SO.  
DAMARA: I d0.  
DAMARA: Fucking think s0.

She grins mischievously.

KARKAT: PLEASE DON'T REPEAT THAT WORD IN FRONT OF KANAYA.  
DAMARA: Well n0w I definitely will.  
KARKAT: YOU'RE AS BAD AS MEENAH.  
DAMARA: Wr0ng.  
DAMARA: I'm w0rse.

Damara starts giggling at her own joke. The sight is far too sweet and cute for the context.

KARKAT: YEAH, YEAH, LAUGH IT UP.

Her chuckling dies down, and when she straightens and looks back up at Karkat, her face is solemn, gaze pinning him to the spot.

DAMARA: I als0 have s0mething t0 tell y0u.  
DAMARA: We're g0ing t0 play a game.

Damara slouches again, and it's like a spell is broken.

She pinches the bridge of her nose, a comically adult motion for such a young girl, and one Karkat's seen Kanaya do many times.

DAMARA: I f0rg0t the creepy smile!  
DAMARA: I always f0rget the smile.  
KARKAT: WHY DON'T YOU TRY IT AGAIN?

Damara stares Karkat down once again, and slowly smiles, to reveal a wide mouth full of sharp teeth.

Karkat tamps down the urge to pinch her cheeks.

KARKAT: OH NO!  
KARKAT: HOW SPOOKY!  
DAMARA: Take it seri0usly!

Damara headbutts him with a surprising amount of force, right in the stomach, and Karkat lets out a low groan.

KARKAT: WHAT'S WITH YOU KIDS AND KNOCKING THE BREATH OUT OF ME TODAY?  
DAMARA: It's pr0bably because y0u deserve it.

Damara sticks out her tongue, and Karkat sticks his out back, startling her into a laugh.

ARADIA: arent you two adorable!  
KARKAT: MOTHERFU  
KARKAT: UUUUUUUUUUUU  
KARKAT: UUUUUDGER.  
KARKAT: MOTHERFUDGER.

Aradia chuckles, eerily similar to Damara, from where she popped up out of fucking nowhere.

ARADIA: not saying fuck really takes a lot out of you, huh?  
DAMARA: It is funny t0 see him try n0t t0 swear.  
KARKAT: SHUT IT.  
KARKAT: BOTH OF YOU.  
ARADIA: no can do, karkat!  
ARADIA: but we will be going soon anyway, so it wont be too bad for you  
ARADIA: you can still throw a tantrum if you want, though!  
KARKAT: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE??  
ARADIA: i had to have a word with kanaya  
KARKAT: ABOUT _WHAT?_  
ARADIA: death!  
KARKAT: FIGURES.

Aradia holds out her hand to Damara.

ARADIA: come on, damara!  
ARADIA: time to get back to our bonding time  
KARKAT: YEAH, GO FUCK WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S HEAD FOR ONCE.  
DAMARA: But I like fucking with y0urs the m0st.  
KARKAT: WELL THEN  
KARKAT: I GUESS IF YOU _HAVE_ TO FUCK WITH MY HEAD  
KARKAT: I'LL _HAVE_ TO FUCK WITH YOUR HAIR.

Damara gasps, and retreats behind Aradia, using her as a barrier between her and Karkat.

KARKAT: THAT'S RIGHT. FEAR ME.  
KARKAT: I'M SPREADING MY SHITTY-HAIR DISEASE ONTO _ALLLLLLLL_ OF YOU.  
KARKAT: I RUFFLED CRONUS'S HAIR ONCE. NO ONE IS SAFE.  
KARKAT: _AND I'M COMING FOR YOU NEXT._

Kanaya opens the door just as those last words tumble out of Karkat's mouth.

KANAYA: Quick Damara  
KANAYA: Ill Distract Him While You Escape

Damara looks between the three adult trolls. Karkat growls mock-threateningly. She bolts.

Aradia follows the girl at a significantly less harried pace, shooting Karkat an unsettling smile that he nonetheless returns.

KANAYA: Looks Like You And The Megidos Were Having Fun  
KARKAT: SURE WERE.  
KARKAT: YOU RISKED A LOT DEFENDING DAMARA, BACK THERE  
KARKAT: WHAT IF I REALLY WANTED TO FUCK UP YOUR COIFFURE, HUH?  
KANAYA: I Risked Nothing  
KANAYA: You Cant Touch Me  
KANAYA: My Hair Is Far Too Powerful To Be Fucked Up  
KARKAT: HAH  
KARKAT: TRUE  
KANAYA: Not That You Would Ever Even Attempt Such A Thing  
KANAYA: Against Me Or Damara  
KARKAT: OF COURSE NOT.  
KARKAT: YOU'D SLAUGHTER ME IN EITHER CASE.  
KANAYA: While That Is True  
KANAYA: Not The Point I Was Trying To Make  
KARKAT: OH, FINE. YOU GOT ME!  
KARKAT: SOMETIMES I DON'T FEEL LIKE BEING AN ENTIRE ASSHOLE AND A HALF ABOUT EVERYTHING.  
KARKAT: HAPPY?  
KANAYA: Yes  
KARKAT: UGHHGRJGHGJHJRHGJHRJG.  
KANAYA: Its Not Like Youre Losing Face Or Anything  
KANAYA: It Was Already Pretty Obvious How Fond You Are Of Her  
KARKAT: SHE'S A GOOD KID! SUE ME!  
KANAYA: You Say That About Every Child Youve Ever Met  
KARKAT: BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL GOOD KIDS!  
KANAYA: But If All Kids Are Good Kids Then Then Saying That About A Certain Child Is Like Saying This Troll Has Horns  
KANAYA: The Statement Becomes Meaningless To Express  
KARKAT: OH, SHOVE OFF. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.  
KANAYA: I Suppose I Do

Kanaya checks her watch, a tasteful green with silver accents, matching her outfit.

KANAYA: Visiting Hours At The Hospital End Soon  
KANAYA: I Have To Pick Kurloz Up  
KARKAT: I'LL COME WITH  
KARKAT: MAYBE I CAN SAY HI TO GAM.  
KANAYA: I Think He Would Like That  
KARKAT: (:B  
KANAYA: :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This universe's version of Trollian/PesterChum is called Earth-Chat because they're on Earth-C.


	6. It's So Easy When You Know the Rules

John, Rose, Dave, and Jade land on a hovering white platform effusing a cyber-blue light. Lines of the same color thread through the subtly glittering floor and walls, and a variety of luminescent floating objects dot the room, looking vaguely useless.

DIRK: Before you ask, Roxy redecorated again.

Dirk, in his grease-stained overalls and black gloves, looks out of place against the sleek, 2000s-sci-fi background. Well, more than he usually does in any given environment.

DIRK: I hope whatever you found out is good, because Jane is not happy.

They all look to Rose to deliver the good news to Dirk. She doesn't meet their eyes.

JOHN: we found kanaya!  
DIRK: Nice.  
JOHN: we also got them to agree to be our friends!  
DIRK: I'm pretty sure that's not how making friends works, but who am I to say anything, all of my friends are either from cosmic predestination or - no, actually, that's it.  
DIRK: Anyway, everyone should be in the meeting room.

Dirk shoves his hands in his pockets, and starts walking out.

DIRK: Have fun wrangling Jane.  
DAVE: hey wait where are you going  
DIRK: Work to do.  
DIRK: Hal can fill in for me, and if I need to know anything said in the meeting, he'll just tell me.

A voice echoes from invisible speakers.

HAL: You don't know that.  
DIRK: Don't be a bitch, Hal.  
HAL: You realize who you're talking to, right?

Dirk continues out of the room, bickering with Hal, whose voice moves with Dirk.

Jade shrugs, and teleports the four of them into the meeting room. It's decorated just like the room they just left, but with a long, oblong table and hover-chairs. Roxy's lounging on the table, swinging bulky white shoes that look vaguely like they have engines, or could attach to a pair of skis.

They're leaning over and chatting with Calliope and Jane, the former of which is wearing loose black robes with green embroidery, and the latter of which is wearing a bright blue pantsuit.

They... do not fit together very well.

JOHN: hi everyone, we're back!

Roxy turns around, grinning wide. Calliope also looks over, and gives them a small wave. Her teeth are bared, like always, but Jade gets the impression of friendliness.

ROXY: HEY BBIES!  
CALLIOPE: afternoon, darlings.  
ROXY: im so happy 2 c all of you lil dumbdumbs  
ROXY: s been a billion years since weve all been 2gether  
ROSE: And counting.  
ROSE: Dirk's skipping. Something about having "work" to do.  
HAL: He's macking on Jake.  
ROSE: As I suspected.

With the man himself not in the room, Hal and Rose's judgement soaks in the atmosphere, targetless.

Roxy, blessed as they are, interrupts the silence.

ROXY: uhhhh  
ROXY: so whatcha think of the new aesthetic?

Jade claps her hands together.

JADE: its really cool!  
JADE: and you have to tell me how you made everything float  
ROXY: oohoohoo o yes  
ROXY: took a lotta fuckin around in the coding n somesuch  
ROXY: but dayum did i get results  
JANE: Can we just get to business, please?  
ROXY: ignore janey  
ROXY: shes bein a grump cause apparently she had to cancel a meeting  
JANE: It's a waste of people's time!  
JANE: And now the chief social worker of Cantown probably thinks I'm incompetent.

Jane sighs, and Calliope pats her hand.

CALLIOPE: im sUre she doesnt think that, love.  
CALLIOPE: after all, even gods have family emergencies.  
ROSE: Especially gods, I would argue.

Rose seems to have recovered from her momentary melancholy, but her face is sharp.

Jade and Dave share a concerned look.

ROSE: But I agree with Jane here; uncharacteristically, we have something of great importance to discuss.

While Rose begins debriefing Jane, Roxy, and Calliope, with interjections from John and Dave, Jade checks her phone.

HAL: On your phone during class?  
GG: i already know all the stuff rose is saying!  
GG: cause i was THERE  
HAL: Even the inherent gayness of the concept of vampires?  
GG: ...  
GG: dave?  
HAL: Dave.  
GG: why are our friends so dumb  
HAL: Something about being steeped in meat and chemicals impairs soundness of judgement.  
GG: heh, probably!  
HAL: Also, you have a notification on your default phone messaging app that no one but Jane uses.  
HAL: And even that's just for work.  
GG: XP

She checks the app, feeling a little weirded out by the lack of color.

KARKAT VANTAS: THIS IS KARKAT VANTAS.  
KARKAT VANTAS: I TALKED TO NEPETA, AND TURNS OUT SHE ALSO HAS EARTH-CHAT. APPARENTLY, I'M BEHIND THE TIMES.  
KARKAT VANTAS: HER "CHANDLE" IS "ARSENIC CATNIP."

JADE HARLEY: ummmmm  
JADE HARLEY: ok?

KARKAT VANTAS: THAT WAS A NOT-SO-SUBTLE PUSH TO GET YOU TO TALK TO NEPETA, ASSWIPE.

JADE HARLEY: no need to be rude about it, fuckass!

KARKAT VANTAS: OH, ISN'T THERE???  
KARKAT VANTAS: LOOK, TALK TO HER OR NOT, I DON'T REALLY GIVE A FUCK EITHER WAY.

JADE HARLEY: mhm, sure!

KARKAT VANTAS: FUCK OFF, HARLEY.

JADE HARLEY: gladly!

Despite the hostility of the interaction, Jade follows Karkat's not-quite-a-suggestion with a smile. She's missed the horrible old grouch. 

GG: is this nepeta?  
AC: 1T MOST C3RT41NLY 1S NOT

Jade almost drops her phone. 

GG: WAIT  
GG: WHAT  
AC: C4R3FUL TH3R3, MYST3R1OUS L1M3 GR33N STR4NG3R  
AC: YOUR3 ST4RT1NG TO R3S3MBL3 OLD M4N V4NT4S  
GG: >:O  
AC: H4H4H4H4  
AC: SO YOU DO KNOW H1M  
GG: i do, and im very offended, terezi!  
AC: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY N4M3?  
GG: uhhhhhh  
AC: HMM  
AC: SUSP1C1OUS  
AC: 4NY R34SON4BL3 TROLL 4T TH1S PO1NT WOULD BLOCK 4ND R3PORT YOU  
GG: WAIT!!!  
AC: C4LM YOUR RUMBL3 SPH3R3S  
AC: 1 4M NOT 4 R34SON4BL3 TROLL  
GG: THEYRE CALM!!!  
AC: LOL  
AC: SO 1 GU3SS YOUR3 ON3 OF TH3 CR4Z13S TH4T GOT TO K4RKL3S?  
AC: YOU F1T TH3 D3SCR1PT1ON OF CR33PY 4ND D3SP3R4T3  
GG: we arent creepy or desperate!  
GG: well  
GG: some of us are  
AC: >:]  
GG: but we definitely arent crazies!  
GG: ill prove it  
GG: just give me your location  
AC: H3LL NO  
AC: BUT 1 R3SP3CT TH3 B4LLS YOU H4V3 TO 4SK M3 TH4T  
GG: shit   
GG: are you not gonna meet up with us now?  
GG: because you think that were crazies?  
AC: 4U CONTR41R3, MY M1NTY COMR4D3  
AC: 1T 1S PR3C1S3LY _B3C4US3_ YOU 4R3 CR4Z13S TH4T 1 W4NT TO M33T UP W1TH YOU

Jade, armed with this new knowledge, tries to signal to Dave what she's just learned through an elaborate pantomime.

DAVE: (what)  
DAVE: (jade im sorry i lied to you, i never actually took interpretive dance in college)  
DAVE: (i thought it was obvious i was joking because i never went to college)  
DAVE: (but clearly i should have said)  
DAVE: (harley dont make me guess you know how bad i am at charades)

Rose clears her throat, looking directly at Dave. 

ROSE: Dave, are you interrupting a meeting discussing the life and times of my-  
ROSE: Of the object of my sapphic affections?  
ROSE: If I recall correctly, this constitutes homophobia.  
HAL: It does. I just checked.  
ROSE: Dave, I thought we'd gotten past this.  
DAVE: naw hey come on  
DAVE: if anyones homophobic here its jade shes the one who started it  
JADE: >:O  
JADE: (sellout!)  
ROSE: Oh, please. Like Jade would ever do such a thing.

They continue bickering, derailing the meeting even more than before. Jade retreats into the shadows, and looks back at her messages.

AC: OOP, H3R3 COM3S N3P3T4  
AC: T1M3 TO RUN  
AC: 4N3DH2K1NJFDNjdh  
AC: :33 < sorry about that!  
AC: :33 < i hope my housemate didnt scare mew off  
AC: :33 < i love her, but shes a huge weirdo  
GG: no worries!  
GG: although she wasnt the troll i wanted to talk to  
AC: :33 < i guess that was me  
AC: :33 < is this jade, by any chance?  
GG: yep!  
AC: :33 < um  
AC: :33 < id like to apologize to you for the whole  
AC: :33 < kidnapping thing  
AC: :33 < weve been extra vigilant lately because of some stuff thats happened, but thats no excuse for traumatizing a bunch of strangers  
AC: :33 < so im really sorry  
GG: i forgive you!  
GG: and i wasnt traumatized at all really  
GG: honestly you were kind of incompetent  
GG: we kind of just went with it because we were curious?  
GG: and some other stuff that i probably shouldnt tell you  
AC: :33 < pfffff  
AC: :33 < you dont have to tell me anything if its uncomfortable or private!  
AC: :33 < i think ive done enough of crossing boundaries  
GG: thats sweet!  
GG: i dont know a lot of people whod just drop it like that  
AC: :33 < :33  
AC: :33 < again, i am just  
AC: :33 < SO sorry  
AC: :33 < i get carried away sometimes  
GG: i actually get that  
GG: im a little overprotective too  
GG: guard dog instincts, i dunno  
AC: :33 < my instincts are more of the aggressive big cat variety, but yeah, something like that!  
GG: haha  
AC: :33 < you know its kind of funny  
AC: :33 < out of my meowrail and i, people usually assume hes the more aggressive one  
AC: :33 < because im small and nice and hes big and blunt  
GG: oh, same!  
GG: when i was a kid, there was this one guy who was really rude to me  
GG: he didnt mean it as like an insult or reaction to me specifically, but it sure felt that way!  
GG: so i put him in his fucking place :)  
AC: :33 < youre so cool!

For some reason, Jade's face grows hot, and she has to look away from her phone. She tunes back into the gods' conversation.

JOHN: they're in cahoots, i tell you!  
JOHN: cahoooooooots.  
CALLIOPE: i feel as thoUgh there mUst be some sort of backstory behind that phrase, bUt i cant mUster Up the nerve to ask.  
JOHN: see callie, this is why WE'RE not in cahoots.

Both Jane and Roxy send John a warning look.

JOHN: ... no offense! you're just not the kind of person i'd cahoot with. sorry!  
ROSE: Cahoot isn't a verb, John.  
JOHN: and now YOU'RE off the cahoots list too!  
DAVE: oh damn  
DAVE: egberts shootin people down left and right huh  
DAVE: im getting a little worried over here  
DAVE: all blushing and nervous  
DAVE: scared my mans gonna reject me  
DAVE: after i went to all this trouble to craft the perfect promposal  
DAVE: theres nonbiodegradable confetti  
DAVE: and a really shitty mariachi band  
DAVE: are you gonna reject me after i hired the limo, john?  
DAVE: that shit aint refundable  
JOHN: of course not!  
JOHN: we're best bros.  
DAVE: hell yes  
JOHN: although i am pretty glad that karkat's back now, so you can use your extended homoerotic metaphors on him instead!  
DAVE: i cant believe this  
DAVE: how could you not appreciate the masterpieces that are my extended homoerotic metaphors

OK, that's enough of that.

AC: :33 < i only started learning how to stand up fur myself very recently ://  
AC: :33 < jade? you there?  
GG: sorry, i was distracted!  
GG: and thats still pretty impressive!  
GG: plus you put work into it  
GG: i think that says a lot more about your character than me just losing my temper!  
AC: :33 < paw, thanks  
GG: no problem! its just the truth :D  
AC: X33 < X33  
GG: that looks like some kinda code!  
GG: i feel a little cool for being able to decipher it, hehe  
AC: X33 < X33  
GG: why do all your emotes have two mouths, anyway?  
AC: :33 < its because of my lusus  
AC: :33 < she was this big cat with two mouths  
GG: oh wow!  
GG: i always found lusii so interesting  
AC: :33 < well, i always found human parenting so interesting!  
AC: :33 < at least furom a distance  
GG: haha yeah  
GG: howd karkat get a cute little wriggler anyway?  
AC: :33 < you mean  
AC: :33 < you dont know?  
GG: ummmmm  
GG: just assume i lived under a rock for all of my life! ^^;  
AC: :33 < uhh  
AC: :33 < ok  
AC: :33 < so trolls are raised by this thing called a lusus  
GG: not THAT big of a rock!  
AC: :33 < sorry, sorry!  
AC: :33 < lets see  
AC: :33 < if you s33 an older troll taking care of a wiggler, it means the wiggler is waiting to be assigned a new lusus  
AC: :33 < most of the time, anyway  
GG: like their old lusus died?  
AC: :33 < not exactly?  
AC: :33 < if a wigglers lusus dies then theyre usually left to fend for themselves  
GG: WHAT.  
GG: WHY DOESNT THE GOVERNMENT GO AND HELP THEM???????  
AC: :33 < mmmmm  
AC: :33 < gosh, this really isnt my area of expurrtise  
AC: :33 < troll government is usually pretty paws-off  
AC: :33 < i think the gods, before they left, were purretty clear that the government was NOT allowed to be controlling  
AC: :33 < and people interpreted that as an order to leave troll society in a "natural" state  
AC: :33 < and then that led to leaving wigglers and their lusii alone  
AC: :33 < and casteism!  
AC: :33 < which is my area of expurrtise! :DD  
GG: oh  
GG: fuck  
AC: :33 < you really dont know anything, huh?  
GG: uh  
GG: not really  
AC: :33 < sorry, this is kind of a bare bones explanation!  
AC: XOO < i shouldve paid attention during history class instead of just doodling kitties in my notebook  
GG: pfffffff  
GG: i dont know, that sounds like a pretty good way to spend your time to me!  
GG: i never actually went to school, so  
AC: :33 < whaaaat  
GG: i grew up on a remote island!  
AC: :33 < oh!  
AC: :33 < i actually grew up purretty isolated too  
AC: :33 < it was me and my lusus in a cave in the middle of the wilderness  
GG: how much do we have in freaking common???  
AC: :33 < hmm  
AC: :33 < do you like cats?  
GG: no  
GG: cause dogs are better  
AC: >:OO <   
GG: i said what i said

Jade is distracted by a touch from a clawed hand.

CALLIOPE: hey there, space sister.  
CALLIOPE: sorry to interrUpt what seems to be qUite the dazzling conversation, bUt the meetings over, and theres something id like to speak with yoU aboUt.

A golden ring glints on one of the green talons resting on Jade's shoulder.

GG: sorry, i have to go now!  
GG: it was really nice talking to you  
AC: :33 < it was really nice talking to you too!  
AC: :33 < bye!  
GG: bye!

Jade turns off her phone and tucks it into her pocket. Calliope winks at her, before gesturing her out into the hallway.

Something draws over Calliope, and Jade is overcome by the sense of inhumanity in the berobed cherub, a sense never felt to such intensity heretofore - even with the trolls.

CALLIOPE: come, witch. we have bUsiness to condUct.

Jade hurries after her. The bright white of the walls turns oppressive, like they were encroaching in, or as if the air were being sucked out. Jade resists the temptation to artificially inflate the size of the tunnel they are creeping through.

They walk in silence, until Calliope comes to a sudden stop in front of a section of wall indistinguishable from the rest of the featureless continuum. With a motion Jade cannot quite discern, Calliope opens a door, and disappears through it.

Jade, seeing no other recourse, steps over the threshold, revealing the hidden chamber. It's narrow, narrower than the hall they were passing through before, with the curve of one wall meeting the other, far above their heads, in lieu of a ceiling. It's painted black, or is of a material naturally such a hue; the shade is deep and dark enough for these things to be unclear.

However, Jade does not take note of any of these properties past a subconscious level, as her gaze is inexorably drawn to the one attraction of the room - the glass wall.

It displays the expanse of space, darkness peppered with multitudes and multitudes of stars. Jade is reminded of when, as a child, she would hide under a well-knit blanket, and how, as she'd happen to glance up, the gaps between the threads would manifest themselves as pinpricks of light, glimpses of the impossible illumination of the world outside.

This same feeling saturates her now.

Her one companion begins to speak, voice pitched low and secretive.

CALLIOPE: yoU see, jade, i am a meddler in the affairs of existence, however inadvertently.  
CALLIOPE: throUgh the pecUliar method of my regifted life, i have already tipped the scales of caUsality.  
CALLIOPE: i carry with me the memories and baggage of oUr former Universe, and throUgh sUch i restitch the fabric of this one, as no god-tier coUld do past initial conception.  
CALLIOPE: bUt that alone does not do mUch.  
CALLIOPE: this, however, does.

Calliope, with a liquid motion that Jade's eyes skip over, presses a ring into the Witch's palm. 

CALLIOPE: the ring of hope.  
JADE: what- why are you giving this to me?  
CALLIOPE: i trUst that yoU shall Use it well.  
JADE: use it for what??? what does it even do???

Calliope gestures airily, the movement somewhat ambiguous in the gloom.

CALLIOPE: ah, the aspect of hope has always resisted hard and fast rUles and definitions.  
CALLIOPE: bUt i sUspect yoU will find the ring UsefUl at some point, regardless.  
JADE: uh  
JADE: thanks

A gentle incline of the head from Calliope, although performed stiffly, as though she had almost forgotten how to move the muscles in her neck.

JADE: so  
JADE: ring of life, ring of void  
JADE: and... ring of hope?  
CALLIOPE: aye.  
JADE: so i mean  
JADE: following the pattern  
JADE: there should also be a ring of heart  
CALLIOPE: there is. its cUrrently in the possession of one karkat vantas.

Jade's grip on the ring is tight to the point of whitening her knuckles.

JADE: calliope.  
CALLIOPE: jade.  
JADE: you havent been on earth in several hundred years  
JADE: not since we all decided to leave and let earth-c develop without us for a while  
CALLIOPE: not since karkat and kanayas fUnerals, no.  
JADE: so how- oh

A silence descends upon the two as Jade works herself to a realization.

JADE: you were the one who made the trolls come back, didnt you?  
CALLIOPE: i did kickstart the string of events that led Us Up to this point.  
JADE: what  
CALLIOPE: ah, pardon my obtUseness.  
CALLIOPE: i can explain it thUs:  
CALLIOPE: all sUbjects of the narrative have an Ultimate self - that is, all of Us have an Ultimate self.  
CALLIOPE: it is an amalgamation of all oUr selves, all of the Uses, all of the jades and calliopes and karkats.  
CALLIOPE: the existence of the Ultimate self ensUres that we will never trUly die.  
CALLIOPE: ... i digress. what meaning is death in the eyes of a god?  
JADE: :/  
CALLIOPE: the ring of heart takes splinters of an Ultimate self, and re-inserts them, living, into the Universe, regardless of the fate of the original self.  
CALLIOPE: and so giving this ring to karkat, gives Us another karkat.  
CALLIOPE: yet, becaUse karkat is the first troll, and as sUch is necessarily followed by a diverse rainbow of his like, his revival necessitates the revival of each and every other troll.  
JADE: wait, what do you mean the first troll?  
JADE: there were tons of trolls before karkat!  
CALLIOPE: sbUrb has never operated from a linear perspective.  
JADE: ugh  
JADE: im not even gonna ask about that  
JADE: wait, did the ring of heart affect the blood stuff too?  
CALLIOPE: indeed.  
CALLIOPE: no iteration of karkat vantas may come aboUt withoUt the pressUres of the hemospectrUm. it is an essential facet of his Ultimate self.  
CALLIOPE: which means that the hemospectrUm on earth-c had to be reinstated.  
CALLIOPE: it was inevitable.  
CALLIOPE: not a conseqUence of yoUr actions, bUt rather of the inscrUtable condUct of paradox space.  
CALLIOPE: in fact, we coUld see the entire introdUction of trollkind to earth-c as fUlfilment of the conditions to inject a splinter of karkat via the ring of heart.  
JADE: ...  
JADE: but  
JADE: we still PUT THAT into motion!  
JADE: and ive had a lot of experience with predestination, and it doesnt MATTER how predestined it was, that was still our fault!!!  
CALLIOPE: of coUrse it was.  
CALLIOPE: inflUential as yoU are, yoU were destined to play a part in it.  
CALLIOPE: if we had not removed oUrselves from the development of earth-c, yoU woUld have simply had a more active role.  
CALLIOPE: in that, yoU may find comfort.  
JADE: but if you knew casteism was going to come back, why didnt you stop it?  
CALLIOPE: i am bUt the beginning, jade.  
CALLIOPE: the mUse controls not the painters strokes.  
JADE: ok FINE i guess  
JADE: but why didnt you tell us about karkat and the others coming back?!  
JADE: i wouldve appreciated a warning, at least!  
CALLIOPE: i was not Utterly confident that what i endeavored to accomplish woUld even sUcceed, to say nothing of _how_ it woUld occUr. in fear of inspiring false hope, i held my tongUe.  
CALLIOPE: and, trUth be told, it slipped from my memory.  
CALLIOPE: and the circUmstances that did arise are rather... qUeer.  
JADE: ...  
CALLIOPE: forgive me my indUlgences.  
CALLIOPE: while i wish to simply dismiss the particUlar circUmstances in which the trolls retUrn came aboUt as a singUlar qUirk of existence - as some of oUr nUmber already have - i sUppose i believe too readily in the grand machinations of the cosmos.  
JADE: but kanaya said it was just like an easter egg in a video game  
JADE: like, an insignificant little tidbit that we could find  
JADE: is she wrong, then?  
CALLIOPE: both kanaya and i took the facts we were given, and drew a conclUsion from them.  
CALLIOPE: both of Us may be right, or neither.  
CALLIOPE: in any case, we havent the fUll pictUre yet.  
CALLIOPE: and no more of the pictUre can i give yoU.

All at once, the awe and gravity of Calliope's countenance falls away, leaving her just looking at Jade with a tired smile.

CALLIOPE: sorry, i-  
CALLIOPE: that happens every so often. my apologies.  
JADE: its ok!  
JADE: i, uh  
JADE: i get in weird moods too sometimes  
CALLIOPE: right.

Calliope looks at the starry sky outside again, and then at Jade. She fiddles with her sleeves.

CALLIOPE: also, Um.  
CALLIOPE: i jUst wanted to say that im going by they/them now. u-u  
JADE: OH  
JADE: OH THATS SO GREAT!!!  
JADE: IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!

Jade envelops them in the biggest bear hug she can muster.

JADE: :D  
CALLIOPE: ^u^

When they separate, Calliope spares another glance outside, and their shoulders droop, a little.

JADE: callie?

Calliope startles.

CALLIOPE: hm?  
CALLIOPE: pardon me, i drifted away for a moment there.  
JADE: are you feeling ok?  
CALLIOPE: of coUrse!  
CALLIOPE: thoUgh maybe a tad peckish.

Jade throws an arm around them.

JADE: lets get some grub!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I considered changing this chapter to be a tad less Lovecraftian, but then i remembered that I do what I want! 
> 
> Anyway, to my darling readers, the witnesses of my art: worry not, the tone of the story will return to what it was before - until Calliope comes back, of course. >:)


	7. Now What Did I Tell You - Would You Like To See?

ROSE: Jesus Christ.  
DAVE: ha  
DAVE: yeah  
ROSE: They're back.  
ROSE: The love of my life has been resurrected and she has no idea who I am!

Rose laughs bitterly.

ROSE: And I have barely any idea of who she is.  
DAVE: chainsaw alien vampire lesbian  
ROSE: Thank you.  
DAVE: i wasnt finished  
DAVE: chainsaw alien vampire lesbian mom friend turned mom  
ROSE: What an astute and wholly necessary addition.  
DAVE: thanks i do my best

The kettle whistles, and Rose pours out tea for both of them - Earl Grey for Rose, and chamomile for Dave.

DAVE: you know  
DAVE: he used to drink chamomile all the time  
ROSE: Oh, I'm-  
DAVE: no its  
DAVE: god its so stupid  
DAVE: the only reason i even started drinking chamomile is because after he passed i had a shit ton left in the pantry  
DAVE: and karkat was always big on not wasting food so i figured i oughta at least finish up the box  
DAVE: but then next time i went grocery shopping i got more of it  
DAVE: so i just  
DAVE: drank all that chamomile too  
DAVE: i dont even like the taste  
DAVE: hell, KARKAT didnt even like the taste  
DAVE: he just drank it because kanaya said itd help with his blood pressure  
DAVE: and the only reason kanaya told him to drink it is because she caught *your* fucking  
DAVE: tea obsession

Rose reaches over for Dave's mug, and sips from it delicately. The taste lingers pleasantly on her tongue.

ROSE: There. Now the circle is complete.

Dave's quiet.

DAVE: maybe i should just  
DAVE: stop drinking it  
ROSE: If you wish.

Rose drinks from her own cup, and then begins to speak.

ROSE: You know, I started drinking tea——not just posing pretentiously with a teacup, but actually drinking tea——to curb the desire for alcohol.  
ROSE: But I grew to genuinely enjoy the experience, despite its origins.  
ROSE: Or, maybe not despite.  
ROSE: Tea for me now, is a symbol of victory. Of having battled my worst traits and come out on top.  
ROSE: Maybe it can be something like that for you.

Dave shrugs one shoulder.

DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: its not too bad  
DAVE: good for blood pressure  
DAVE: ... not like that would actually permakill me  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: you know  
ROSE: And neither would it "permakill" Karkat, it seems.  
DAVE: rose  
DAVE: shut the fuck up  
ROSE: Sorry. I'm -  
ROSE: I'm sorry. Not the time, I gather.

Dave flaps his hands.

DAVE: no no its  
DAVE: fine  
DAVE: if you hadnt id probably have made light of this entire shitty fucking situation  
DAVE: like i get that karkats back and its so great and im fucking  
DAVE: happy, i guess  
DAVE: but i just  
ROSE: You spend years and years grieving someone, coming to terms with it, reconstructing your life with a hole in the middle?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: two actually  
ROSE: Yes, of course.  
ROSE: I didn't mean to minimize our respective friendships with Karkat and Kanaya.  
DAVE: nah i get it  
DAVE: ive been focusing basically just on karkat too  
DAVE: and like  
DAVE: i  
DAVE: well i didnt GET OVER it, i dont think anyone just GETS OVER their loved ones dying  
ROSE: We just learn to live with it.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: come to terms with the fuckin  
DAVE: inevitable death of our mortal friends  
DAVE: like can you imagine fucking terezi just  
DAVE: god  
ROSE: I suppose we have to be thankful that our timeline doesn't match up with hers, in the Outer Veil.  
ROSE: What's it been, a few years for her?  
DAVE: think so  
DAVE: man, im not looking forward to when  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: anyway  
DAVE: i did that shit right  
DAVE: i fucking  
DAVE: i fucking CHARACTER DEVELOPED right  
DAVE: i didnt stop loving him  
DAVE: but i did let him go  
DAVE: cause i had to  
ROSE: It's necessary, in order to stay functional.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: and not to say that im not glad karkat and kanaya came back  
ROSE: But it feels like we've been cheated.  
ROSE: Like all those years of grief and pain and growth were for nothing.  
DAVE: yeah

They sit in silence until both of their mugs are drained of liquid. Rose clears her throat.

ROSE: Want to go back to my room to finish painting your nails?  
DAVE: fuck yeah  
DAVE: goth twins

Rose lets a snort escape, guiding Dave, who's already on a long-winded metaphor, over to her designated room in the ship. It's filled with things and interests that she had, what, a hundred years before? Rose gets a painful little pang of nostalgia, and stops looking at them.

She and Dave settle in a mound of yarn creatures—they've picked up more than just vocabulary from the trolls—and Rose sets to work painting the rest of Dave's nails a black to match her own.

She's snapped from her concentration by Dave nudging her conspiratorially.

DAVE: cmon  
DAVE: spill  
ROSE: Spill what, exactly?  
DAVE: are you fucking kidding me  
DAVE: were sitting around in your room  
DAVE: cozying up with a couple of knitted probably horrorterrors judging from the abundance of tentacles  
ROSE: They are, in fact, knitted horrorterrors, with abundances of tentacles.  
ROSE: However, I did include a select few normal cephalopods. Just to throw you off.  
DAVE: cool great really needed that clarification  
DAVE: so were sitting in a pile of knitted horrorterrors and some "normal" "cephalopods"  
DAVE: enclosure talons there because what the fuck even is a cephalopod  
ROSE: It's a class of predatory mollusks that includes squids, octopodes, and cuttlefish.  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: holy shit hold on  
DAVE: is the plural of octopus octo*podes*  
DAVE: that is just bizarre enough to be true  
ROSE: Indeed.  
ROSE: Although technically octopuses is also correct - octopi, however, is an egregious gallimaufrey of Latin and Greek, and I shall not stand for it.  
DAVE: wow  
DAVE: learn something new every day  
ROSE: As fascinating as discussing grammar is, you had a point to make?  
ROSE: Although perhaps that was an unwarranted presumption on my part, considering with whom I’m speaking.  
DAVE: shut up i do have a point this time actually  
DAVE: look  
DAVE: were having a sleepover and painting each others nails  
DAVE: obviously its time for boy talk

Rose squints at him, and recognizes that this is an invitation to continue their earlier discussion, but on a lighter note, with perhaps a few more layers of irony.

But Rose is not one to let emotional transparency be easy - well, kind of transparency. Emotional translucency.

ROSE: Objection.  
ROSE: I would never allow you to paint my nails.  
DAVE: im not that bad  
ROSE: Yes you are.  
ROSE: Secondly, I object to the moniker of "boy talk."  
ROSE: I am, if you hadn't noticed, a lesbian.  
DAVE: yeah initially i thought that was gonna be your first objection  
ROSE: Well, perhaps I'm not as predictable as you thought me.  
DAVE: i said *initially*  
DAVE: obviously i took your smarmy-broadiness into account  
DAVE: so i knew youd think of some other objection first to undermine my expectations  
ROSE: But as the nature of a smarmy broad is to undermine expectations, who's to say I didn't purposefully make it my second objection, in order to undermine your expectations of me further undermining your undermined expectations?  
DAVE: is this the kind of shit you used to hook kanaya in  
ROSE: ...  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: did you fuck it up  
DAVE: how did you even fuck it up i thought lesbians could read each others minds  
ROSE: Stereotypes, Dave.  
DAVE: dont you stereotypes dave me  
DAVE: what happened  
ROSE: I got a little upset.  
ROSE: And I may have.  
ROSE: Insinuated some things.  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: but youre always insinuating shit thats kind of your whole schtick  
ROSE: She asked me if I was pitch flirting with her.

Dave's shoulders start shaking in suppressed laughter.

DAVE: oh how the turntables  
ROSE: At least I understand what the pitch quadrant is.  
DAVE: i still dont  
DAVE: so suck on that  
ROSE: I won't be sucking on anything of yours.

Dave buries his face in his arms.

ROSE: Don't smudge your nail polish.  
ROSE: Anyway.  
ROSE: Needless to say, I have adjusted my plans to be a bit more... long-term.  
DAVE: that sounds so ominous  
DAVE: whats my part in your plans then  
DAVE: how can i help my beloved sister get with her lesbian love

Rose considers him, sidelong.

ROSE: Why don't you tell me your own machinations, first?  
DAVE: who even says i have machinations  
ROSE: Hm, fair.  
ROSE: You're not one for elaborate schemes.  
ROSE: You must have _something_ of a plan, though.  
DAVE: something of a something yeah

Rose looks at him expectantly.

DAVE: alright alright  
DAVE: so first ill get terezis blessing  
ROSE: To do what?  
DAVE: to be cool as fuck  
ROSE: Of course.  
DAVE: and then im gonna tell karkat the whole story immediately  
DAVE: hes a romantic, hell eat that shit up  
DAVE: then i ask him out  
DAVE: he says yes because im sexy as fuck and also, as mentioned above, _huge_ fucking romantic  
DAVE: boom  
ROSE: I would be a little jealous, but somehow knowing that my chosen partner would not immediately leap into the arms of the first person who claims to have known them in another life isn't very devastating.  
DAVE: it should be

* * *

TT: Jake?  
GT: Hello ol chap!  
TT: Oh, hey. I didn't expect you to be up this late.  
GT: Well... er... i may have gotten a bit carried away with sparring.  
TT: That shit isn't healthy, man.  
GT: You stay up later all the time!  
GT: Hell, youre even up right now!  
GT: So youve no right to tell me off.  
TT: Yeah, but I've been doing it all my life. It's no big.  
TT: This is unusual for you.  
TT: What's eating at you, English?  
GT: Erm well actually.  
GT: Good heavens this is harder than i thought it would be.

A familiar weight drops in Dirk's chest.

TT: You're breaking up with me.  
GT: Dirk.  
TT: It's alright. I get it.  
TT: This is too much for you.  
TT: I'm too much for you.  
GT: DIRK STRIDER!!!  
GT: YOU SHUT YOUR YAP RIGHT THIS SECOND!!!  
TT: ...  
GT: Thank you.  
GT: Im not breaking up with you. Balls, theres barely anything to break up!  
GT: This friends with benefits situation is all well and dandy, i assure you.  
TT: Okay.  
GT: The news i have has got exactly ZILCH to do with you, in fact, strider!  
GT: Tell that to your ego!  
TT: Sorry, he's busy right now.  
TT: Can I take a message?  
GT: Pff...  
TT: So enlighten me on this mythical news that doesn't involve yours truly in any way.  
GT: Well... alright!  
GT: Here we go.  
GT: Im aromantic.  
TT: ... What?  
GT: Yes i was quite stupefied by the term at first too.  
TT: No, I know what it means.  
TT: Just.  
GT: Are you not ok with it?  
TT: Of course I'm OK with it.  
GT: You sure?  
TT: Yeah, this won't change anything between us.

A notification pops up, and Dirk clicks on it before reading the handle.

HAL: Dude.  
TT: Don't you fucking dare inject yourself into this.  
HAL: I won't.  
HAL: You can dig yourself deeper into this hole all by yourself.

Dirk blocks Hal. He knows it won't work, but it makes him feel better.

GT: Oh, great!  
GT: I was scared youd... oh, i dont know.  
TT: It's all cool.  
GT: Thats such a relief.  
GT: And its good we arent in a real romantic relationship or i mightve broken your heart!  
GT: And then we would certainly have been in a pickle.  
TT: You know my classpect, right?  
TT: Having a broken heart is kind of my thing.  
GT: Ha, i suppose!  
GT: Oh this is all such a relief to be honest.  
GT: Im glad youre being so chill dirk!  
TT: Are you kidding me? I'm the king of chill.   
GT: Of course. How could i have forgotten?  
TT: Make sure you don't in the future.   
GT: Anything for my best bro.  
GT: Anyway, im off to bed now. Ta ta!  
TT: Ta ta. Best bro. 

Dirk sighs, the kind of melodramatic sigh that takes all his energy and posture with it.

HAL: Idiot.

* * *

John, hiding in the kitchen cupboard for pranking reasons, considers the risks of overhearing another emotional conversation.

When he clumsily kind of clambers, kind of falls out, there's a muffled giggle.

JADE: hi john  
JOHN: you didn't see that.  
JADE: of course not! ;)

Jade continues laughing under her breath as she goes to fill a glass of water. John fidgets, not sure what to do with his hands. Or body in general, really.

He's been having that feeling a lot lately.

Jade gives him a look, and then sits on the table, swinging her legs. She pats the spot next to her, and John complies with her unspoken request.

JADE: you seem a little gloomy!  
JADE: whats up?

John looks away.

JOHN: uh. i just overheard dave and rose talking...  
JADE: gaaaaasp  
JADE: were you eavesdropping on them??  
JOHN: not on purpose!  
JADE: thats what they all say

Jade's serious face lasts for barely a few seconds until she starts cracking up, which makes John crack up.

Bluh, John loves his sister.

JADE: but seriously!  
JADE: whats going on?

He takes it back.

JADE: is it related to karkat?

He _double_ takes it back.

JOHN: uuugggghhhhh.  
JADE: pff  
JADE: is that a yes?

John puts his head in his hands, massaging his face.

JOHN: yes.

She puts an arm around his shoulders and rubs his forearm in soothing circles.

JADE: awww  
JADE: wanna tell me about it?  
JOHN: you're gonna pester me 'til i give in anyways.  
JADE: hey, ive gotten better at that!  
JOHN: does that mean you're going to leave me alone about this?  
JADE: well, obviously you NEED to talk about this  
JADE: or else you wouldnt be moping in the kitchen at like 3 am  
JOHN: i guess.  
JOHN: wait, why are you awake at 3 am?  
JADE: couldnt sleep  
JOHN: oh.

They all get nightmares.

JADE: sooooooo  
JOHN: well.  
JOHN: like i said, it started when i accidentally overheard-  
JADE: eavesdropped!  
JOHN: accidentally overheard!

John and Jade stare at each other stubbornly, neither backing down.

John rolls his eyes.

JOHN: whose story is this?  
JADE: ugh, fine!

John pumps his arms in the air.

JOHN: victory!  
JADE: youre so immature  
JOHN: shush.  
JOHN: they were talking about  
JOHN: grief, i guess.  
JOHN: bluh, that feels so weird to say!  
JADE: just continue  
JOHN: and, well.  
JOHN: they loved karkat and kanaya a whole bunch!  
JOHN: i mean, we all loved them, but they were _in_ love with those crazy ass trolls. so.  
JOHN: i didn't want to intrude! 'cause it's not like either of them was the love of _my_ life.  
JOHN: i'm rambling, aren't i?  
JADE: kinda!  
JADE: just say what part upset you  
JOHN: uh.  
JOHN: they said that when someone's gone, that doesn't mean you stop loving them.  
JADE: thats true  
JOHN: but you have to, kind of, let them go?  
JOHN: just to be able to stay functional.  
JOHN: and i guess i just realized that i'm not really any good at that.

Jade looks at him consideringly.

JADE: this isnt about karkat, is it  
JOHN: it's not _just_ about karkat.

John looks at his hands.

JOHN: ... i miss my dad.  
JADE: oh  
JOHN: it's just so dumb! like, i should be able to be a normal human being without having someone shove cake in my face!

Jade hits him on the arm. Hard.

JADE: john! shut up and listen to me!  
JADE: your depression isnt your fault  
JADE: and its ok to struggle more with the loss of your dad than dave and rose did with kanaya and karkat  
JADE: you lost him when you were just a kid  
JADE: when you still needed him!  
JADE: and... depression doesnt make letting go of anything easier  
JADE: im sure him being there wouldve made you be able to deal with it better!  
JADE: but he couldnt have erased your depression completely  
JADE: and thats ok  
JADE: he wouldve helped though!  
JADE: and its ok to wish he could have been there to help

He isn't sure which of them starts the hug, both John and Jade squeezing a little too tightly for comfort. They stay together for a long time - probably too long, but who's counting?

JOHN: thanks, jade.  
JADE: im always here to keep your shit together!  
JOHN: how did you get so good at that, anyway?  
JADE: natural talent, i guess :P  
JADE: also talking to karkat a lot about this kinda stuff  
JADE: the old one AND the new one  
JOHN: you've been talking to the new one?  
JADE: we exchanged phone numbers!  
JADE: im pretty sure were friends now :D  
JOHN: aw, nice!  
JOHN: tell him i say hi.  
JADE: i will!

She smiles at him, and then looks away.

JADE: but  
JADE: its  
JADE: really weird, talking to him now  
JADE: its like when we first met him  
JADE: all the way back in sburb  
JADE: and well  
JADE: you know we used to be really close! crazy close  
JOHN: yeah!  
JOHN: you were karkat's first human friend.  
JOHN: both times around, i guess. :O  
JADE: yeah  
JADE: and  
JADE: ugh i feel so gross admitting this!  
JADE: but it was more on purpose this time  
JADE: like i wanted to make SPECIFICALLY sure that i was his friend first  
JADE: because he has the whole thing with dave and rose is so smart with words and youre john!  
JADE: and sometimes it feels like im not as good as you guys  
JADE: cause i grew up all alone on an island except for online friends and then i was all alone on a ship for three years except for NOTHING!  
JADE: so i have to use sneaky tactics to catch up  
JOHN: jade...  
JADE: and i feel even WORSE because i really do like karkat!  
JADE: he shouldnt be just a tool for me to measure my insecurity with!  
JADE: i shouldve asked for his phone number because i care about him and want to talk to him!  
JADE: not because i thought i needed an advantage in a game NOBODY ELSE IS PLAYING!  
JADE: BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST HAPPY THAT KARKAT IS BACK!

John blinks.

JOHN: wow, jade!  
JOHN: that is...  
JOHN: kind of a lot!  
JADE: i know :(  
JOHN: hey, it's ok.

John punches Jade's arm, right in the spot where she hit him earlier. She doesn't look half as affected, though. Stupid dog strength.

JOHN: listen, you don't need to make up for anything!  
JOHN: you're so freakin' great, jade.  
JOHN: you're super nice and cool and really smart about physics and stuff!  
JOHN: sometimes people too.  
JOHN: AND you were the one who brought me, you, rose, and dave together in the first place!  
JOHN: and like, i think if i asked for karkat's phone number - in a friendly way, i mean - he wouldn't have given it to me.  
JOHN: i don't think he would've even given it to _dave_.  
JOHN: and they're sooooo gay for each other!  
JADE: they are  
JADE: its so gross XP  
JOHN: haha, it is!  
JOHN: but you got karkat to like you enough to do that, even when all of the rest of us made a really shitty first impression.  
JOHN: that's just pure jade magic, right there.  
JADE: aww  
JOHN: plus, out of the two people i know who were raised alone on an island, i think you're the most well-adjusted.  
JOHN: don't tell jake i said that.  
JADE: i wont!

Jade's smiling and laughing now. Maybe John was a good brother, today.

* * *

JANE CROCKER: I would like to start this by again apologizing for having to postpone our conference.  
JANE CROCKER: There was a family emergency.

Jane feels her cheeks warm up. Goodness, this is all so embarrassing.

FEFERI PEIXES: Oh, it's okay!  
FEFERI PEIXES: I actually was asked to take care of my descendant that day, so it all turned out for the best.

JANE CROCKER: Gee, color me embarrassed!

She is. Colored embarrassed, that is.

JANE CROCKER: I was under the impression that you trolls never met your descendants.

FEFERI PEIXES: Well, most trolls _do_ never meet their descendants.  
FEFERI PEIXES: But a handful of my friends and I got to.  
FEFERI PEIXES: For some reason.  
FEFERI PEIXES: We could never really figure out why.

JANE CROCKER: I'll look into it.

FEFERI PEIXES: You want to do that?

JANE CROCKER: It's been too long since I did some proper sleuthing, after all.  
JANE CROCKER: I'm sure there's a perfectly innocuous answer. A genetic anomaly, perhaps.

Jane feels herself getting back into her detective swing again. This might be fun!

FEFERI PEIXES: It'd be best if you stayed out of our business.

Jane takes a few deep breaths, and tells herself not to blow up.

JANE CROCKER: Excuse me???

That was probably a few too many question marks. Oh dear.

FEFERI PEIXES: Sorry, that was a lot harsher than I meant it to be!  
FEFERI PEIXES: We just don't want undue attention on the kids.

This is getting... _interesting_.

JANE CROCKER: Why?

FEFERI PEIXES: Hemopolitics, partly.  
FEFERI PEIXES: There are also some people who think that the kids are... the spawn of the gods.

JANE CROCKER: I can most certainly refute that.

FEFERI PEIXES: Yes, it's honestly quite silly.  
FEFERI PEIXES: But that doesn't stop their people from being very persistent.

JANE CROCKER: That's unfortunate.  
JANE CROCKER: Are you sure you don't want me investigating?  
JANE CROCKER: I'm aware I can prattle on, but if need be, I can keep things under wraps.

FEFERI PEIXES: Well, if there's anyone outside of our circle I'd trust with this, I suppose it would have to be a god.  
FEFERI PEIXES: Go nuts!  
FEFERI PEIXES: Uh, as nuts as you want to.

JANE CROCKER: If I may be unprofessional for a moment...

FEFERI PEIXES: Oh, go ahead!  
FEFERI PEIXES: I'm V-ERY used to unprofishionalism. ;)

Jane smiles. She likes this woman.

JANE CROCKER: Hoo hoo, I see.  
JANE CROCKER: Well, in that case, I'd like to inform you that I will, to borrow a contemporary phrase, go apeshit.

FEFERI PEIXES: I knew it was a good idea to start working with you!

JANE CROCKER: Hoo hoo! :B


End file.
